Hi friends! Thanks for tuning into another episode of  “Tori Dealing With” where each episode is short, sweet, and the perfect thing to enjoy in the morning just like your coffee.

Over the course of last week I was watching a documentary called “Generation Wealth” by Lauren Greenfield.  The film was so thought provoking I had to watch it a few times and I even ended up taking notes on it. Yes, In my spare time what really gets me going is watching docs and taking notes lol. But the truth is I just really enjoy thinking about how we operate as a society, humans are so interesting. 

The theme of “Generation Wealth” is studying when our cultural values shifted from being a classic hard working American family into being obsessed with wealth and status. It was hard not to be drawn into the film immediately when the opening quote reflected on the rise and demise of the ancient Egyptian empire. 

This is an eerie thought. I mean think about how much we produce, manufacture, and distribute around the world daily? The nature of our consumerism doesn’t only affect  our mental well-being but it’s also drastically changing our planet. This episode can feel a little daunting, but the goal is to simply analyze our patterns, take responsibility and see how we can do better. Because the truth is, we’re all materialistic to an extent. Even if we’re not saving up all of our money to get a Louis Vutton bag or a Lamborghini, plenty of us still want the best iPhone, camera, or aesthetically pleasing house. So let’s try to approach this information from a place of love instead of judgment.

Let’s start with the shift of the “American Dream”. Well, it makes me reflect on my family’s story. My great grandparents were immigrants from Europe. My grandmother’s side came from Italy and didn’t speak any English when they arrived.  On my fathers side, my great -grandparents were from Hungary and both sides of the family tree worked incredibly hard to make a comfortable life for the generations to come. By the Time my parents were born each generation accrued a little more wealth. My dad grew up in a row home  in Philadelphia with one bathroom and 6 siblings. Both my parents had a roof over their head, were able to receive public school education and pushed to make better lives for the future just like the generations before. Although many of us have different origin stories, I’m sure many of you can relate to mine, as it was pretty common. 

The United States drastically changed during the generation of my parents. People born in the 50’s and 60’s were exposed to a new type of economy that was flooded with money. Florian Homm explains this in the documentary.

He says “The origin of wealth starts with the US government spending money way beyond its means. In 1971 America dropped the gold standard so money in circulation was no longer backed by assets. This led to the abandonment of fiscal discipline. The Reagan 80’s was a time period that gloated about wealth, there was so much printed money floating through the economy that people were spending it mad!”

He then goes on to say:

And just like that we were addicted.  A brief background on Florian Homm is he’s a former German Investment Banker and Hedge Fund Manager who at one point had up to $800 million dollars to his name. He did some shady stuff and got sentenced to 225 years in prison. And even though the charges were dropped he’s not off scot free. He’s now living in exile In Germany on the FBI’s most wanted list.

This man was on top of the world at one point. Had everything he wanted at his fingertips, but the chase for wealth inevitably left him with even less than he had before. 

Let’s fast forward…

Our generation today took that same mentality as the 80’s but added an extra special tool to gloat about it all. Social media. Now we’re not just witnessing what’s happening through magazine outlets, we’re watching people we know post pictures with cars, bags, vacations, shoes, and anything else you can imagine. 

So that leaves us with the question… What happens to our society when our dreams have shifted from the values of hard work and family to fame and fortune? 

Get the paper by any means necessary, even commodify your own body. 

Kacey Jordan, who’s also featured in the doc, is a prime example. Kacey Jordan is most known for being one of the women that Charlie Sheen paid 30,000 to party with at the time that he was rushed to the hospital. But her origin story was much more humble than that. She was a small town girl from Texas who was raised in Oregon. She had dreams of making it big and being a star with a lavish lifestyle. Got into the adult entertainment industry  at 18 years old and is famous in the industry for really “intense” scenes. 

After years of pursuing her dream of elegance, sleeping with princes in dubai, and living a luxury lifestyle, she crashed. She even filmed her own attempted suicide and posted it on social media. Thankfully today she’s clean, starting back at zero. She’s actually currently working at the first job she ever had in a tanning salon. 

This documentary is a must watch and FULL of stories of individuals who chased the paper and crashed into rock bottom. 

Although many of us may not have stories this extreme, in some way we can all relate. What are we chasing and how does this determination for luxury affect ourselves and our world?

Well an article from earth.org breaks it down:

“According to an analysis by Business Insider, fashion production comprises 10% of total global carbon emissions, as much as the European Union. It dries up water sources and pollutes rivers and streams, while 85% of all textiles go to dumps each year.”

Even if you don’t have the commas in your bank account, many people are still trying to keep up with the Kardashian’s by buying cheap fast fashion items to match trends. Just so that 85% of them can end up in dumps anyway.

 A Direct quote from an article written by George Monbiot featured in the Guardian says:

“Journal of Consumer Research, studied 2,500 people for six years. It found a two-way relationship between materialism and loneliness: materialism fosters social isolation; isolation fosters materialism. People who are cut off from others attach themselves to possessions. This attachment in turn crowds out social relationships.”

Let’s reflect on that. We’re out making money, spending that money on shit to post (or atleast sending pictures on our group chats), creating a sense of envy amongst our communities, and for what… all to feel accepted.  But as we just learned, it’s only making us feel more isolated.

Although this is a heavy topic, it’s most necessary. We have to tap into our awareness and analyze it. Let’s pull ourselves out of our bodies for a moment and take a hard look at how we’re living. Because even though it looks pretty on the outside, on the inside we’re suffocating the soul of the planet. 

So what do we do? How do you go against the current when it’s the size of the ocean? Well, little by little I guess. 

Because let’s be honest, how does it really make us feel? Well I know how it makes me feel. When I was about 23 years old, after appearing on my first TV show “Are you the One” , I was a kid… just floating around LA. I happened to be with a fellow cast member at the time and we were shopping in the mall. This mall was luxurious, full of Gucci, Prada, Louis Vutton, and every other luxury brand you can imagine. While we were walking through Chanel I felt as if I was getting looks from people because… I kind of looked like a scrub that day. My hair was in a bun, no make up, I was a little hungover and felt like the people around me were sort of judging me. Even though I’m not sure if that was their reality, it was definitely mine. So I had an urge to feel like I belonged there. I pulled one of the assistants aside and told her I would like to purchase a bag. Her eyes lit up and so did my friends. I think for different reasons. But nonetheless I wanted to feel respect in that store so I bought a very basic Chanel bag for 5,000 dollars. I could feel a little disgust inside my body while I was doing it, it was for all the wrong reasons. But, I was too deep in so when the time came to swipe my card so I couldn’t back out. I would look even worse. I remember trembling when she rang me up, wondering if the card was actually going to work. And then it did. She handed me the bag, we walked out of the store and I thought to myself “What did I do?”. I didn’t even discuss my thoughts with my friend because that was too revealing of how insecure I was. I just acted happy and continued with my day. 

But the thing is, I never actually cared about that bag. I only wore it to events when I thought it would make me look more important. I wanted people to see that I had something of value. But the soul behind that purchase was non-existent. I ended up getting nail glue on the inside and ruined the leather anyway. And when I did I thought to myself, it serves me right. This leather is the skin of an animal. We’ve stolen it, mutilated it, and made it look desirable and slapped a $5,000 price tag on it.  That Chanel bag is now currently at my mothers in a closet somewhere, and I walk around with a satchel that looks like a ball sack. 

But, when I want to purchase a nice bag (which is not often) I make sure that it aligns with who I am. It has to be vegan leather and come from an environmentally conscious company. And usually those bags are no more than a couple hundred bucks. 

We as the consumer have the power to set trends. If everyone adopted a less materialistic mentality the world would be healthier all around. 

If we were a culture driven by intrinsic values which are the value that that thing has “in itself,” then we would be happier. 

An example of intrinsic values are accepting a job because you’re interested in the work, learning new things, and creating within that field. 

An example of extrinsic values are accepting a new job for the money, for the way people view you, or for power. 

Studies show the more someone is driven by extrinsic values the more likely they are to become anxious and depressed. 

So ask yourself, what’s your motive? How can you shift your life into focusing on achieving intrinsic values?  

Materialism is a desperate cry for love, community, and respect. The more we see that within ourselves the more people will see it in themselves. 

 Do you want to be young and poor or old and rich? Well, Jordan Peterson said “Young and poor, cause you can’t buy you”

At the end of our lives, we’re not going to think about the bags, cars, shoes, and watches. We’re going to think about the time that we spent with the people we love. We’re going to wonder if we appreciated our lives enough. We’re going to think about all the beautiful memories with loved ones. We’re going to wonder if we left the world a better place than when we found it.  

Today I encourage you to look at the world around you. Pay attention to the nature of our spending and take a good look at the people who are living a lifestyle based on extrinsic values. 

A fun activity to start cultivating a more minimalist mindset is by going through your closet and donating all the clothes you haven’t worn in over a year. Give them to people in need. Small steps in the right direction can create new paths. 

Thank you for tuning into today’s episode. If you enjoyed it please rate the episode on apple podcast, spotify or wherever you listen, your feedback means the world to me. 

Before I go, I’m excited to answer a listener question from the “Tori Dealing with” Facebook group. 

Natasha asked “When you and Jordan split, how did you find the strength to survive that relationship? How did you find the clarity to thrive?

The simple answer is time. Because it really does. But the more in depth answer is allowing myself to grieve. Give grace to myself when I am acting out of emotion, like rebounding. Taking responsibility for my actions and surrounding myself with people who helped me heal. My life coach stepped up in a big way during that time because I needed someone who wasn’t a friend to process everything with. I highly recommend seeking help from someone if you have the resources to do so. If not, fill up your media with audiobooks and podcasts that will help you shift your mindset. I always enjoy hearing someone give advice to me because it sounds like I’m listening to a friend, which feels good. But this is a very big question so I’ll be sure to do an entire episode on it this season.

Every week that I don’t have a guest on the podcast I’ll have a listener question segment so please submit questions via facebook page. The link will be in the show notes.

And as always, I will leave you with a song! This week will be “ All Related” by Nessi Gomez. It’s a gentle reminder of how connected you are to everything in nature, that’s why we must protect our home. 

Thank you again for listening, check out the song, and no matter what happens today remember how special it is to be alive.   

Hey Friends. Thanks for tuning into Season 2 “Tori Dealing with” where each episode is short, sweet and the perfect thing to enjoy in the morning. Just like your coffee hahahahaha i’m back. 

First and foremost, I’m so excited to be back. I’ve read all of your messages over the course of the break that I’ve taken from TDW and every single one of them melted my heart.  A lot in my life has changed since I put out my last episode on April 23rd of 2021.  I needed a lot of time to process, heal, and come to terms with existing. So thank you for waiting for me and I’m sorry that it took so long.

I was a little nervous when picking out the topic for the first episode because it’s a big deal, I haven’t spoken to you guys from my heart in over a year and a half. And over the course of my absence I’ve had people reach out and ask a lot of questions about how to deal with breakups, questions about mental health, and a lot of questions about how to find confidence.

So with that being said, I really want to use this episode as a cannonball into healing and set the tone for what’s to come with this season of Tori dealing with.

Looking back on the last 29 years of my life it just feels so crazy to think that I’ve put so much pressure on myself to be great. We all do. It’s  as if we don’t have to grow into that greatness. Its as if we expect ourselves to be born with the flower, instead of the seed. Before we go forward I want to take you back in time before I was who I am today, to when I was only a seed of a soul.

As humans we aren’t born with a step by step Manuel on how to be the perfect person. We’re not programmed robots with a precise mission or path. We’re sort of just smart baby animals that depend on their parents from birth and hopefully up to the later years of adolescence. 

So that means while we’re growing into ourselves we’re learning everything from our surroundings. We don’t only absorb all of the positive traits that our guardians passed on, we’ve taken in the negative traits too. And that’s just from our parents or guardians. We also have to credit society itself. … all of the pressure to be successful, rich, popular and perfect. And that’s a lot of pressure. 

Once you hit a certain age, for me it was about 27, you’ll realize that you’re living in a cycle of patterns and behaviors that you’ve either learned from your upbringing or created to survive it. 

I’m going to say that one more time, Once you hit a certain age you’ll realize that you’re living in a cycle of patterns and behaviors that you’ve either learned from your upbringing or created to survive it. 

I’m a visual learner and unfortunately can’t draw a picture through this podcast , so I want to break it down for you with an example. For me the most obvious thing I learned to crave as a kid was attention. I’ve talked about it before,  my parents went through a chaotic divorce when I was 10, so growing up I felt as if I had to  fight to get the attention that I wanted. I learned that if I was funny and made people laugh they would pay attention to me. I learned that if I was easy going and people pleasing I would receive praise aka attention. These behaviors of being humorous, and being easy going, were actually part of my personality, but I learned how to use them in order to get what I wanted, which was attention.  The issue with this unfolds in the later years of my life when those tactics  evolved into being codependent in relationships and experiencing deep feelings of loneliness. 

Even after being on reality tv and gaining all of my incredible followers I still had a hole in my heart that I carried around with me. That hole led me through a journey where I spent my energy trying to fix toxic relationships, dating the wrong guys, and ultimately neglecting myself.

Here’s short story:

When I was 24 years old I dated a guy who lived in North Carolina but he was moving to San diego. Even though we were only dating for 3 months and I was living in New York at the time, For some reason I decided to leave New York for a few weeks to help him move and settle him into his new place. He had to work during the day, so while he did i took his car to ikea, spent around $800 of my hard earned money on  furniture for his apartment, took it home and assembled it..   When he came home from work, he was shocked that I did all that work and said “why are you so good to me?” and In my mind I was like, “Yeah” why am I so good to you. I liked him, but not that much. Assembling furniture is a bitch. And inevitably that relationship ended within a month anyway.

That was only one of the moments in my past where I decided to abandon my life to help someone else live theirs. Looking back, I can understand why I did that. My need for attention took over.  I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel appreciated and acknowledged. But, even after I did that I felt terrible. Because I knew in my heart it was ridiculous. 

This pattern of mine continued from one boyfriend to the next. As many of you know, I’ve had my fair share of boyfriends. My friends and family  would call me out on it every once in a while too. They would say…“You need to be single” or

But the idea of being alone felt so uncomfortable. Even the word “alone” would bring me back to when I was 12 or 13 years old sitting in my bedroom at my dad’s house crying myself to sleep because I needed someone to talk to. That’s probably why when I was 13 years old I started dating my first boyfriend and I would fall asleep on the phone with him. And it wasn’t a cell phone, it was a house phone lol! I was desperate for emotional support. Those years left such a lasting impression on my life. They lead to so many mistakes, heart aches, and pain, but eventually they lead me back to me and where I am today.

I’m 29 years old, turning 30 in march. Living with my best friend and cat in Miami and SINGLE. I fall asleep with feelings of peace instead of sadness. I wake up with inspiration instead of regret. I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I see the path that I’m walking on now. I don’t need anyone to make me feel complete because I already have everything that I need existing inside of me. I now see the magic in what it means to be alive. I see myself as a sacred person who is connected to all living things around me, and I love myself. I love myself. And I’m hoping you decided to tune into this episode so that you could feed off of this love and take some for yourself too. 

I’m a virgo moon and virgo rising, so if you know anything about star signs, you know virgos love to make lists. So I’m going to list out for you what I believe was the path to where I am today and how to ignite a healing mindset. 

How to Ignite a Healing Mindset 

1. Awareness . Like I said before, once you hit that age where you recognize you’re not happy, you can change it. This awareness is where the healing began for me, although sometimes I strayed from the path. For example, was aware at that moment that I spent my energy and money building someone else’s apartment. Even though I ignored that little voice, it spoke. That voice will continue to speak to you and when you are at rock bottom and may that voice be a reminder that you are not alone. That voice, that inner awareness is your higher self. 

I met my higher self when I went to do ayahuasca. For those of you who aren’t familiar with plant medicine, it’s used by indigenous cultures primarily in South America. These rituals have been taking place for thousands of years and are led by shamans. I went to Ecuador right after the filming of The Challenge “Ride or Dies” season and spent time with the incredible indigenous people called the Sapara. I’m not going to go into too many details about that experience right now because it deserves an entire episode by itself, but I will share a bit. At one point in my 7 hour trance I felt my body get picked up and fly right beneath the clouds. I felt like I was in a dream that was turning into a nightmare. In this state of weightlessness I was afraid I was going to be dropped from the sky and crash into the ground. But even though I was anxious, my inner voice felt very sober and my mind was clear, so while I was in a dream-like state floating beneath the sky I asked the universe not to drop me. In fact, I begged, I said “please, I will do anything for you not to let me fall. I’ll give you my skin.” 

And I pulled my skin off my body.

I then said “I’ll give you my organs.” 

I pulled my stomach out of my core and handed it to the sky. Then I continued to pull out my heart and lungs until there was nothing left to pull. I said “I’ll give you all of me”

In that moment, I was nothing more than a floating ball of light. That’s when I understood the message or at least how I interpreted it. Me sacrificing my flesh out of fear of falling showed me how insecure I was. I then thought about people as a whole and realized we’re all insecure, we’re all scared. We give all of ourselves to others in hopes that they won’t drop us. We’re even willing to sacrifice our own bodies. But the understanding went even further. I realized that we weren’t really looking to be accepted by others, we needed more than anything to be accepted by a god figure. We’re a society that’s so afraid of what happens after death that many of us live in constant anxiety of it. We fill up our days with plans and projects and don’t think about what it really means to be alive? But deep down plenty of people wonder “Am I living the right kind of life? Would god, or the creator, or the universe accept me” And then In my vision looked up in the clouds and I saw another version of myself smiling down on me, and I felt safe. That’s when I really understood that God, and the universe, are within us, that’s why we have to accept ourselves. We need to accept all the good, bad, and everything in between because our lives aren’t mundane. The entire universe is within us. 

When you love yourself, everything blooms from that. When you hate yourself, everything stems from that. The way we feel about ourselves, that relationship is the most important. ― Meister Eckhart once said “The eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me; my eye and God’s eye are one eye, one seeing, one knowing, one love.”

No matter what religion you practice, or what your spiritual beliefs are, you can accept that if God or the universe made you, then God and the universe are within you and a part of you. 

The awakening is everything. Once you realize that your existence is magic then you can enjoy everything so much more. There’s something so sacred about going for a walk and looking at all of the beautiful trees and birds and realizing that you’re connected to them. You’re part of a bigger beautiful picture and you get the opportunity to be a human and soak it all in. Once you really come to terms with this, the rest falls into place. But that brings me to my number 2 point. Because if step 1 is being aware, then step 2 is honoring that awareness. 

2. Honoring the Awareness 

How do we commit to being in awe of our own existence and to living a life full of light? Well it takes every part of you. 

It’s cleaning out your body with healthy foods and exercise, allowing moments of silence to connect, and being particular about the people and things you allow in your life.

Doctors and Scientists aren’t really sure where our consciousness and soul exists but many assume it’s in our brains. Our brains are mostly composed of neurons, but did you know that we have 5x the amount of neurons in the gut than in the brain. The reason I’m bringing this up is because our body is aware of everything we put inside it. What you eat either heals or hurts you. In order to walk around on this planet feeling light and good you need to start from the inside out. What will you feed your vessel? For me it’s clean vegetables, non processed foods, and as little animal products as possible. I mean to be honest I don’t eat any animal products, but when I say “Be Vegan!” It freaks people out lol! 

 Aside from your actual diet, a great tool is also practicing intentional eating, which is only eating when we’re actually hungry. Also, remember to drink enough water and take your vitamins. Both of those things are so important. And to be clear I’m not not a nutritionist so I won’t directly tell you what to put into your body, but your body will tell you if you listen closely. Take your time researching what kind of foods you want to be inviting into your internal environment, test it out, and see how your brain and body feels when you honor it. When your body is operating well, your mind can too. 

Another way to stay committed to connecting with your higher self is through meditation. A lot of people talk about meditating as it’s become pretty mainstream, but actually taking the time to do it is so important. I meditate every night before bed. Sometimes  I follow guided meditations and other times I sit in complete silence and clear my mind. When you create space and hush the thoughts, you’ll be surprised with how good it feels to just be. Just like The Dalai Lama said

We always have access to the present moment. In fact we’re actually only ever in the present. We complicate it by thinking about the future or past. But it’s easy to Sit in stillness for a moment with your breath if you just focus your awareness on it.

 I invite you to try it right now.

 Breathe in, breathe out, Breathe in, breathe out. 

You’re here. You’re in this beautiful moment in the present. Acknowledge your surroundings without judgment.  Where are you? What does it look like? Smile and just exist. 

This space of awareness is always meant to be entered. I was watching a documentary the other day and they talked about our senses. We technically have 5 which are sight, hearing, smelling, taste or touch. But some people have said “well why isn’t thinking a sense?” We process our world through thoughts. Many of us over think, over worry and create fake scenarios trying to understand situations. And then in the documentary they went on to say, maybe sometimes, we just need to stop thinking and let the other senses take over. Breathe in the present and smell it. See and hear your surroundings. Feel where you are.

The society we live in doesn’t promote this kind of lifestyle. Our world is fast paced and there’s an endless stream of information being thrown at us. So while we live in this world, we personally need to balance it with finding slowness and peace in our own lives. 

Once you’ve connected with yourself in this way, this mindset will always be with you. Any obstacle can transform from being catastrophic to simply being an experience.

On this past season of The Challenge, I found myself in a very intense environment when my ex-fiance Jordan came on the show. When I felt completely overwhelmed emotionally, I would go to my bunk, breathe, and be aware of the emotions I was experiencing. I pulled myself out of my body by imagining being above it, and I watched myself in third person. Although we can’t always live above our emotions, pulling ourselves out of them for a brief time can help to de-escalate any situation. This reminds us that these emotions are temporary, while our awareness is permanent. At our core, we are just aware, you can’t dig much deeper than that, and that’s what I’ve learned from every Deepak Choprah book that I’ve read. And that awareness is sacred. 

I hope to leave you today with the understanding that when you make a home within yourself you can overcome an external situation. When you become friends with your higher self you will never be alone, and that your existence is sacred. As Rumi said “You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in a drop.”

Thank you for listening to this episode, it was a pleasure sharing my heart with whoever listened. Going forward I’m going to be answering one listener question t at the end of each episode. To send in a question you can submit it on the “Tori Dealing With” facebook page which will be linked in the show notes. I used to play a song at the end of every episode but for copyright purposes I can’t do that,  but what I will do is link a song in the show notes as well that I feel like will be a good send off for your day. Today’s song is called “Forgive” by Trevor Hall and Luka Lesson. 

Thank you again for listening, check out the song, and no matter what happens today remember how special it is to be alive. 

Over the past year and a half I have been very vocal about not smoking weed and have gotten a lot of questions like “Tori why did you stop” or “How did you stop” and I want to take you on a journey through my personal experience with the flower. Also, It’s been brought to my attention that using the term “Marajuana” to describe cannabis is actually racist. In the past it was used to discriminate against POC so I’ve done some research and I’m going to share my findings with you later in this post.

The first time I ever smoked weed…

But first, I want to start by telling you about the first time that I ever smoked weed. I won’t divulge my exact age because I know my mom listens to my podcast and I don’t want her to be pissed, so let’s just say I was in school. I remember being over at one of  my friends’ houses one weekend after a long, stressful, school week. This friend was throwing a party at her house and I think there might have been a bottle of hypnotic there. Those types of drinks were the only things we could get our hands on at the time. So I’m at the party and there’s like eight of us all sharing one bottle of 15% liquor and one of our friends pulls out a little bag. It was a tiny little dime sized, crusty, dried-out bud of weed in a button bag. Me, being the fearless challenger I am, was like, “Hell yeah I’m gonna take a hit! I love Bob Marley!” So I did.

About 10 minutes go by and I’m like asking myself “Do I feel anything” and sure enough the moment you say that to yourself, you start feeling it. I could not stop laughing. Everything was hysterical! Our friends were busting out laughing. I swore the dog was laughing. The trees were happy. It was lovely.

All of the sudden I got this terrible “cotton mouth” and if you havent smoked weed before it just basically feels like your mouth turns from a rainforest into a desert. So, I decided to get up and walk to the kitchen and grab a drink. As I’m walking over to the refrigerator I’m laughing at everything, the toaster is funny, the trash is hysterical, I mean I felt like I was on a safari walking through the kitchen. I put my hand on the refrigerator and am about to fill up my cup, when I realize I don’t have one. Sure enough I laugh, and just as I’m about to walk over to the glass cabinet I realize something is terribly wrong. I can’t figure out how to walk. I don’t know what actually happened but something in that moment made me overthink walking so much that I thought my foot stopped working.

Immediately I felt a rush of anxiety. I was like, “Holy shit, I smoked weed, just a tiny little hit, and now I can’t walk.” And now all of the irrational thoughts start to bubble to the surface “What if I smoked a horse tranquilizer? What if I’m paralyzed for life?” I mean the list went on.

Not knowing what to do I gripped the refrigerator for dear life to alleviate some of the pressure off my foot. I probably look like the rock climber from free solo. I mean I was hanging on to the fridge for dear life. I don’t actually know how long I was holding on for but I can tell you it felt like ages. I just hung there, from the fridge, trying to keep weight off my feet, while still needing a drink really bad. I wish I could have had the vantage point of my friend who walked in for a water after me, because all of the sudden I just heard someone burst out laughing. Sure enough they helped me realize that my foot worked and that I was just hanging on to the refrigerator for absolutely no reason. I tried to laugh it off too but it’s safe to say that I didn’t smoke weed for a little while after that. I truly was afraid. 

When I moved to LA…

All through college, and even after, I smoked weed and when I moved to LA I really smoked. I smoked in the morning, while I was creating, and before bed. I mean I was high all the time. It was mostly because I was around Jordan and not to throw him under the bus but he totally mellows out when he smokes a little bit, so every time he has a joint I just take a little hit.

I’m already a really mellow person, so smoking weed that much actually had the opposite effect on me. It just triggered terribly anxiety in me. It was like I was in a vicious cycle of waking up, being clear minded with a list of things that I wanted to do, and then I would smoke weed, and just stress my entire to do list. I know some people feel so productive when they smoke, but for me the only thing I produced when I got high was anxiety.

Breaking up with cannabis…

There is definitely a stigma around weed that it cures anxiety, and that it helps to relax you, but I am living proof that it doesn’t work for everyone that way.

I realized that it had the opposite effect on me. It made me overthink everything. And yet, I still smoked it. I couldn’t break the cycle. Until one morning I woke up and realized that I liked being fully aware. I didn’t want to fog my mind up. I didn’t want to try to float through life. I wanted to be in it. I wanted to think clearly and get a lot of work done. I wanted to be productive outside of just creating! It all just clicked and that was the day that I stopped smoking weed. I wasn’t sure how long I was going to stop for at the time but I ended going about a year and half with no weed. 

I was afraid of it. I was afraid that if I took a hit I would have an anxiety attack and I would feel out of control. It was like all of the sudden, my brave “I’m done smoking weed” attitude turned into me avoiding it like the plague. If I even smelled weed it would trigger an anxiety attack. My relationship with it was very unhealthy. 

Overcoming my fear…

So I decided to dive in and do some research. Maybe if I looked up the true benefits of cannabis I’d be able to conquer my fear of it. 

After reading through WebMb I felt really reassured. There are plenty of people who smoke weed and have more anxiety. Weed may alleviate chronic pain and help some people relax, but for others the effects are truthfully different. 

So, what was I going to do about my fear? Well I wanted to face. About two weeks ago I decided it was time to smoke weed again. I consciously made sure I had everything on my to do list done. I told myself that I had Sunday afternoon all to me. I put a blanket down in my backyard and laid in the sun. I got the tiniest little bowl, and took the smallest hit of weed ever and was ready to see how I felt. 

Well I cried. I looked around my backyard and the walls around me turned into the walls of my bedroom from when I was a young girl. For some reason that hit brought me back to a place of loneliness and sadness. I remembered the pain of my parents’ divorce, I remembered the sadness that felt growing up, I sat with myself. I sat with little Tori and I cried for her. And after we were done crying we put on music and we danced around the yard. And cried some more and danced, and got thirsty and laughed on the way to the fridge thinking about the first time I ever got high. 

Beginning to heal…

I can’t tell you how long I was burying some of those sad feelings inside of me, but I can tell you they were buried very deep. I realized that day that I was walking around with anxiety from my past and carrying it with me into my future. I needed to release the pain. I needed to cry with little Tori. I needed to be by myself. 

After that experience I see weed completely differently. I didn’t abuse it, I used it in a way in which I brought healing. I wasn’t using it to cloud my mind or run from my reality. I used it to face it. It was therapy. 

Now, I still don’t smoke weed that often but when I do I make sure that I’m in a setting in which I feel totally safe at first. Do I trust the people I’m around? If I have a panic attack, is there somewhere safe for me to relax? Do I have everything done on my do list? I use it responsibly or I don’t use it at all.

Changing my perspective…

It’s so interesting growing up and hearing about how weed is a terrible drug but then watch it transform into medicine over time. 

As a kid I was always taught it was terrible but would hear it glorified in pop culture. As a country our relationship with cannabis is actually more messed up than my personal relationship was. 

Think about the fact that some states have made it legal for the recreational use of weed and how some people are still in federal jail for either buying or selling it! It’s so hypocritical! 

In our society today we’re dealing with all of the negative ways weed was portrayed by the government and the media in the past. 

As I’ve said earlier the term “marijuana” is actually rooted in racism and I got all of my information from the media company “Now this”.

In the late 1800 the elite American class would smoke weed for pleasure. It was a delicacy that only the rich had access to. The upper class even sold it over-the-counter to treat insomnia and migraines. But once millions of Mexicans started to migrate to the US in the 1900’s the term was used by American prohibitionists to exploit racism and xenophobia. So basically, weed was being smoked in Mexico just like it was being smoked in America, but god forbid someone come into America and bring it with them it turns into a big deal. In the 1930’s Harry Anslinger, the director of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, believed that marijuana influenced only black and brown people into being violent and committing murders. We all know that that’s absurd because all I want to do when I smoke is either eat a box of poptarts or cry. But, Anslinger launched a vicious propaganda campaign and associated it with the minority. Anslinger then did a whole tour around the country to convince people that this drug invaded the US and scare people. He finally convinced congress to pass the Marijuana Tax Act in 1937 which made marijuana illegal on a federal level.

Today cannabis has definitely been more normalized but there are still people out there today trying to demonize the plant, such as Jeff Sessions and Steve Alford. So, if you don’t smoke weed no big deal, but if you’re referring to the plant, let’s call it by a name that wasn’t used in a racially charged propaganda campaign. 

Yes, I smoke weed now if I want to but i definitely don’t abuse it. Also, it’s so interesting because as I’ve reintroduced weed into my life I’ve simultaneously kicked alcohol out. I’m currently on a sober summer mission and I’m not drinking at all. But, that’s a whole different story and could basically be an entirely different post. To sum it up, if you feel like the substance is controlling you as opposed to you controlling it you should probably take a break.