Being a Challenge Champ

Hi friends! Thanks for tuning into another episode of “Tori Dealing With” where each episode is short, sweet, and the perfect thing to enjoy in the morning just like your coffee.

This episode is gonna be sweet. In the past I’ve covered really emotionally deep topics such as anxiety and healing, but this episode is light and is meant to feel like celebration!  Today I’m excited to talk about what it feels like to finally be a Challenge Champ!

As most of you know well, I’ve been a contestant on MTV’s The Challenge for about 6 years now. After being on 7 seasons, and making it to 4 finals, I’ve FINALLY been victorious enough to get the champ title. Grateful, is an understatement.

A lot of work goes into training for a Challenge. In the off season I work out 5-6 days a week, train my brain to be better at problem solving with logic apps on my phone, and even practice remedial math. Not only do you have to be good at the basics of competing, you also have to be good at handling the emotional roller coaster that comes along with it. 

The Challenge is one of the most interesting experiences to be a part of because it really pushes you to your physical and emotional limits. Especially for people who are recurring players of the game. 

Let me put it like this, imagine sitting down with your family and friends and a few plus ones for a gathering. During the party a legend named TJ Lavin walks in and tells you that you all get to compete for 1 million dollars. At first you’re all excited! You put on your uniform, a camera crew comes in to take hero shots of you looking badass, you load the bus and go. When you arrive at the daily challenge you’re greeted by a massive building. It’s about 300 ft tall. You unload the bus and are staring up at the skyscraper and see little structure attached to the side. Without much time to observe the production team loads you in the elevators and gets you to the top. The moment you step out to the roof you’re ambushed by huge gusts of wind. You’re afraid to even stand 10 ft within the edge because it feels as if the force could just swoop you right off.  But you can’t think too much about it because The host TJ walks in and he starts to announce the rules of the game. He explains that you’ll be running on a very thin beam that extends 15 ft off the building and racing to push a button. You’ll be competing against two of your friends. Whoever touches the button first gets to choose which friend to drop off the building. Now of course, you’re attached to a harness, but this is the first time you’ve ever done anything like this and you don’t get any practice chances. Your nerves start to kick in, your anxiety is at an all time high, and you’re not even sure that your legs are going to work once you’re on that beam. But it’s time. You get attached to the harness, the horn is blown, and bangs. Once the blow horn goes off you’re entered into a timeless zone. When competing, your brain is processing every moment so quickly that it doesn’t even store it in its memory. All of your energy goes into surviving that single moment. All of the sudden you slap the button and your friend goes plummeting to the bottom. You won. The relief. The safety team unrigs you and everyone congratulates you. You feel on top of the world! You did it! You won your first daily challenge and you feel high! Until you remember that now you need to  decide which one of your family members, friends, or friends friends has to go into elimination. The fairytale of winning is short lived when it comes at someone else’s expense. Throwing someone into an elimination is a hard decision to make because you know someone is going to be offended! And sure, maybe in the beginning it’s clear that you’re going to vote for someone you’re not close to, but what do you do when the numbers start to dwindle? 

Walking you through a challenge episode Step by step is important in order to get my point across. You can understand how emotionally taxing and stressful it can be! The Situation I described happens at least 16 times every season, and think about the people who’ve done 15+ seasons.  To be a champ, mental game is just as important as the physical aspect. For me, maneuvering through the political side of being on a reality competition show has always been the hardest. Whether it comes across this way or not, I do not thrive in drama. I avoid confrontation at all costs because I’m so sensitive. And if I’m in a confrontation it’s because I’ve snapped, and I don’t particularly like that version of myself. My plan is to try and ease through difficult conversations, but let’s be real, no one wants to hear that you’re voting them into elimination, A position that could cost them their chance at winning 1,000,000.

 After filming my first season of the challenge, which was Dirty 30, I was shook. Yeah I made it all the way to the end and had a great rookie season, but my brain was fried after that. 11 weeks of facing my fears in daily challenges, eliminations, and voting people into eliminations really sent my mind on a trip. It even led me to turn down Vendettas, the next season, because I didn’t feel emotionally stable enough to go back for an entire season.

 Over the years I grew stronger and became better at handling the heat that came with being a challenger. I started to take the social media insults less seriously, I focused on getting external help from a life coach, therapist and even antidepressants. I surrounded myself with people who made me feel safe and most importantly I didn’t give up. Even with all of the tools I had welcomed into my life it was still an uphill battle emotionally to survive the lifestyle. But, I didn’t want to just be a survivor of my reality, I wanted to thrive in it. Even though my mental health struggles were intense I still understood how lucky I was to get paid to be on TV, so I needed to figure out how to be the victor of my circumstance and not the victim. And what I found to be true is that the mind is just like muscles in the body. When you actively train it, consistently and with the right coaches it will transform. So finally after years of effort, one day it just clicked. Luckily enough that day came before I went to go film the season “Ride or Dies”. 

By the time I was filming I was in a good spot mentally. We even had to quarantine in a hotel for a week prior to filming and I remember feeling surprisingly calm, a calm that I hadn’t really experienced before. I felt settled in myself. I guess that’s exactly where I needed to be mentally before the disruption occurred. Going into the season I had no idea that my ex fiance Jordan was going to show up. I was stunned when he walked into the elimination arena a week after we started filming.  Seeing his face brought up so many fears and emotions. I remember going straight into the bathroom the moment I could collect myself. Looking myself dead in the eyes and giving myself a pep talk as if I were about to enter some type of battle. 

When Jordan first arrived we had deep conversations talking about the past. These conversations were usually when I was drunk because at that time it felt easier to get the words out while drinking. Looking back on that now, as somebody who is proudly taking a break from alcohol, I feel so bad for myself. And as much as i don’t support drinking for that reason, that coping mechanism helped me get through that time. Thankfully, I recognize how dangerous drinking is and my more recent healing has brought me to quitting. 

Being in a house with Jordan got increasingly more difficult when he developed a connection with another woman on the show. Processing emotions like that in real time really tested my healing progress. I realized I had to lean into forgiveness as much as possible. I had to forgive myself for the mess I made after he dumped me, I had to forgive him for acting out, and I had to let it go. And thank god i did, cause if i hadn’t i guarantee I wouldn’t have won. 

This season of the Challenge was one of the most difficult seasons I had ever been a part of. It’s not easy to take responsibility for mistakes on national tv and deal with heartache. The heights I had to conquer externally paralleled those I had to face internally. This season was equally as stressful on the inside as it was on that outside. But you know what, I dug deep within myself, had my own back, held space for my pain, chose to keep going, and I won.  Being a champion on the outside is an indescribable feeling, but the peace I feel internally is priceless.  That’s why “winner strength is inner strength”. When you focus on the path inward your external environment transforms. When you take responsibility for your healing and clear out your mess you make room for blessings. I’m not just a champion of The Challenge, I’m a champion of myself. 

The final that My partner Devin and I won was 100 hours long. It was exhausting, our bodies were in so much pain, and we pushed ourselves to the brink. But the fire that existed inside me to keep pushing through was much more intense than any obstacle I faced.

I’ll never forget the morning before the final elimination. Devin and I were sitting in our tents in the cornfield waiting for nightfall. As the hours slowly crept by our anxiety was at an all time high, realizing that we were so close to the end, and wondering what we could possibly be doing. The mind plays tricks on you in a place like that. It traps you in like a maze, presenting different paths and dead  ends. For hours we sat there thinking about every possible little thing we could be doing, to the point of exhaustion. Finally I closed my eyes and laid my head down on a cot for a bit and I’ll never forget what I saw. In the black of my eyelids I vividly saw and felt a pink wave that washed over my body. It was as if I was in the flow of some amazing energy. It felt calm, peaceful, and comforting, a feeling I hadn’t felt in days. I sank deeper into that wave and almost immediately realized that it was the flow of the universe. Fate. A feeling of “whatever is meant to happen if going to happen and it’s going to be okay.” At that moment I truly believed we were going to win. And as the day continued to pass I tapped back into that wave regularly. 

At some point, we have to recognize that we have done enough, and we need to trust. Yes, I wanted the win so badly, but how many times has my desire for winning suffocated the potential. You can’t only want the win, it needs to want you back, It’s a mutual agreement. You have to trust, flow, and let go of whatever you think you want the outcome to be and allow the outcome to just be what it is. 

I had to do that with haters on social media, I had to do that with Jordan, and I had to do that again with this final. For me winning was bigger than just winning. It was the universe speaking to me, telling me that it sees the work I’ve put in, letting me know it was proud of me, and reminding me that I can handle being a champ now. 

I’m not sure who I would be today if I would have been crowned a champ any sooner. I definitely wouldn’t have put as much emotional work into myself and healed as much. All of the old co-dependent patterns would have continued and transpired in other ways through my life. 

So hindsite, I recognize that every loss was truly a lesson and an important building block into who I am today.  I’m not saying that I’m perfect, but I promise you, I’m way better than I was a few years ago. The title is beautiful on the outside but i promise, it feels better on the inside because of where I’ve grown emotionally and spiritually. 

To sum up this podcast I want to leave you with a poem that I call The champion’s song:

Be thankful for the hate, that’s what gives us fuel 

all the fire that they spew is a lesson to remain cool 

Pressure is heavy but it can make a certain jewel 

Now when the opportunity comes you’ll know what to do  

It’s proven now, but I knew it back then 

a winner is a loser who decided to try again 

There’s years of roadblocks before the path makes sense 

They say the top is lonely but what if you’re there with friends 

Every loss, every doubt, every ounce of pain 

The plus side of money, but the downside of fame 

These are challenges of life, it’s not just a game 

That’s why Inner strength and winner strength are one in the same 

Thank you all for listening to this podcast and supporting me on my journey. 

I’ve recently launched a merch line in celebration of winning. If you feel like my message has resonated with you and you want a physical reminder of inner strength throughout your own journey, check out the shirts. I’ll link them in the show notes below.

If you liked my poem I encourage you all to follow my poetry page @thesoulspill on instagram.

And as always there is a special song that resonates with this episode in the show notes below. Thank you for allowing me to open up to you. No matter what happens today remember how special it is to be alive. 


Hi friends! Thanks for tuning into another episode of  “Tori Dealing With” where each episode is short, sweet, and the perfect thing to enjoy in the morning just like your coffee.

Over the course of last week I was watching a documentary called “Generation Wealth” by Lauren Greenfield.  The film was so thought provoking I had to watch it a few times and I even ended up taking notes on it. Yes, In my spare time what really gets me going is watching docs and taking notes lol. But the truth is I just really enjoy thinking about how we operate as a society, humans are so interesting. 

The theme of “Generation Wealth” is studying when our cultural values shifted from being a classic hard working American family into being obsessed with wealth and status. It was hard not to be drawn into the film immediately when the opening quote reflected on the rise and demise of the ancient Egyptian empire. 

The pyramids were built at the moment of precipitous Egyptian decline. And that’s what always happens. Societies accrue their greatest wealth at the moment that they face death.

This is an eerie thought. I mean think about how much we produce, manufacture, and distribute around the world daily? The nature of our consumerism doesn’t only affect  our mental well-being but it’s also drastically changing our planet. This episode can feel a little daunting, but the goal is to simply analyze our patterns, take responsibility and see how we can do better. Because the truth is, we’re all materialistic to an extent. Even if we’re not saving up all of our money to get a Louis Vutton bag or a Lamborghini, plenty of us still want the best iPhone, camera, or aesthetically pleasing house. So let’s try to approach this information from a place of love instead of judgment.

Let’s start with the shift of the “American Dream”. Well, it makes me reflect on my family’s story. My great grandparents were immigrants from Europe. My grandmother’s side came from Italy and didn’t speak any English when they arrived.  On my fathers side, my great -grandparents were from Hungary and both sides of the family tree worked incredibly hard to make a comfortable life for the generations to come. By the Time my parents were born each generation accrued a little more wealth. My dad grew up in a row home  in Philadelphia with one bathroom and 6 siblings. Both my parents had a roof over their head, were able to receive public school education and pushed to make better lives for the future just like the generations before. Although many of us have different origin stories, I’m sure many of you can relate to mine, as it was pretty common. 

The United States drastically changed during the generation of my parents. People born in the 50’s and 60’s were exposed to a new type of economy that was flooded with money. Florian Homm explains this in the documentary.

He says “The origin of wealth starts with the US government spending money way beyond its means. In 1971 America dropped the gold standard so money in circulation was no longer backed by assets. This led to the abandonment of fiscal discipline. The Reagan 80’s was a time period that gloated about wealth, there was so much printed money floating through the economy that people were spending it mad!”

He then goes on to say:

Success becomes its own perpetual vehicle, the more the better” 

Florian Homm

And just like that we were addicted.  A brief background on Florian Homm is he’s a former German Investment Banker and Hedge Fund Manager who at one point had up to $800 million dollars to his name. He did some shady stuff and got sentenced to 225 years in prison. And even though the charges were dropped he’s not off scot free. He’s now living in exile In Germany on the FBI’s most wanted list.

This man was on top of the world at one point. Had everything he wanted at his fingertips, but the chase for wealth inevitably left him with even less than he had before. 

Let’s fast forward…

Our generation today took that same mentality as the 80’s but added an extra special tool to gloat about it all. Social media. Now we’re not just witnessing what’s happening through magazine outlets, we’re watching people we know post pictures with cars, bags, vacations, shoes, and anything else you can imagine. 

So that leaves us with the question… What happens to our society when our dreams have shifted from the values of hard work and family to fame and fortune? 

Capital like any other resource will cause utter social and economical havoc”

– Florian Homm

Get the paper by any means necessary, even commodify your own body. 

Kacey Jordan, who’s also featured in the doc, is a prime example. Kacey Jordan is most known for being one of the women that Charlie Sheen paid 30,000 to party with at the time that he was rushed to the hospital. But her origin story was much more humble than that. She was a small town girl from Texas who was raised in Oregon. She had dreams of making it big and being a star with a lavish lifestyle. Got into the adult entertainment industry  at 18 years old and is famous in the industry for really “intense” scenes. 

After years of pursuing her dream of elegance, sleeping with princes in dubai, and living a luxury lifestyle, she crashed. She even filmed her own attempted suicide and posted it on social media. Thankfully today she’s clean, starting back at zero. She’s actually currently working at the first job she ever had in a tanning salon. 

This documentary is a must watch and FULL of stories of individuals who chased the paper and crashed into rock bottom. 

Although many of us may not have stories this extreme, in some way we can all relate. What are we chasing and how does this determination for luxury affect ourselves and our world?

Well an article from breaks it down:

“According to an analysis by Business Insider, fashion production comprises 10% of total global carbon emissions, as much as the European Union. It dries up water sources and pollutes rivers and streams, while 85% of all textiles go to dumps each year.”

Even if you don’t have the commas in your bank account, many people are still trying to keep up with the Kardashian’s by buying cheap fast fashion items to match trends. Just so that 85% of them can end up in dumps anyway.

 A Direct quote from an article written by George Monbiot featured in the Guardian says:

“Journal of Consumer Research, studied 2,500 people for six years. It found a two-way relationship between materialism and loneliness: materialism fosters social isolation; isolation fosters materialism. People who are cut off from others attach themselves to possessions. This attachment in turn crowds out social relationships.”

Let’s reflect on that. We’re out making money, spending that money on shit to post (or atleast sending pictures on our group chats), creating a sense of envy amongst our communities, and for what… all to feel accepted.  But as we just learned, it’s only making us feel more isolated.

Although this is a heavy topic, it’s most necessary. We have to tap into our awareness and analyze it. Let’s pull ourselves out of our bodies for a moment and take a hard look at how we’re living. Because even though it looks pretty on the outside, on the inside we’re suffocating the soul of the planet. 

So what do we do? How do you go against the current when it’s the size of the ocean? Well, little by little I guess. 

-Let’s sprinkle consciousness into the power of our purchase.

-Let’s support brands that are eco-friendly. 

-Lets buy make-up products that are vegan. 

-Let’s thrift shop and not buy into fast fashion trends.

Because let’s be honest, how does it really make us feel? Well I know how it makes me feel. When I was about 23 years old, after appearing on my first TV show “Are you the One” , I was a kid… just floating around LA. I happened to be with a fellow cast member at the time and we were shopping in the mall. This mall was luxurious, full of Gucci, Prada, Louis Vutton, and every other luxury brand you can imagine. While we were walking through Chanel I felt as if I was getting looks from people because… I kind of looked like a scrub that day. My hair was in a bun, no make up, I was a little hungover and felt like the people around me were sort of judging me. Even though I’m not sure if that was their reality, it was definitely mine. So I had an urge to feel like I belonged there. I pulled one of the assistants aside and told her I would like to purchase a bag. Her eyes lit up and so did my friends. I think for different reasons. But nonetheless I wanted to feel respect in that store so I bought a very basic Chanel bag for 5,000 dollars. I could feel a little disgust inside my body while I was doing it, it was for all the wrong reasons. But, I was too deep in so when the time came to swipe my card so I couldn’t back out. I would look even worse. I remember trembling when she rang me up, wondering if the card was actually going to work. And then it did. She handed me the bag, we walked out of the store and I thought to myself “What did I do?”. I didn’t even discuss my thoughts with my friend because that was too revealing of how insecure I was. I just acted happy and continued with my day. 

But the thing is, I never actually cared about that bag. I only wore it to events when I thought it would make me look more important. I wanted people to see that I had something of value. But the soul behind that purchase was non-existent. I ended up getting nail glue on the inside and ruined the leather anyway. And when I did I thought to myself, it serves me right. This leather is the skin of an animal. We’ve stolen it, mutilated it, and made it look desirable and slapped a $5,000 price tag on it.  That Chanel bag is now currently at my mothers in a closet somewhere, and I walk around with a satchel that looks like a ball sack. 

But, when I want to purchase a nice bag (which is not often) I make sure that it aligns with who I am. It has to be vegan leather and come from an environmentally conscious company. And usually those bags are no more than a couple hundred bucks. 

We as the consumer have the power to set trends. If everyone adopted a less materialistic mentality the world would be healthier all around. 

If we were a culture driven by intrinsic values which are the value that that thing has “in itself,” then we would be happier. 

An example of intrinsic values are accepting a job because you’re interested in the work, learning new things, and creating within that field. 

An example of extrinsic values are accepting a new job for the money, for the way people view you, or for power. 

Studies show the more someone is driven by extrinsic values the more likely they are to become anxious and depressed. 

So ask yourself, what’s your motive? How can you shift your life into focusing on achieving intrinsic values?  

We don’t actually live in a materialistic world. We live in a world where material accumulation has become the gateway to love and respect that we all crave”

 Alain de Botton

Materialism is a desperate cry for love, community, and respect. The more we see that within ourselves the more people will see it in themselves. 

 Do you want to be young and poor or old and rich? Well, Jordan Peterson said “Young and poor, cause you can’t buy you”

At the end of our lives, we’re not going to think about the bags, cars, shoes, and watches. We’re going to think about the time that we spent with the people we love. We’re going to wonder if we appreciated our lives enough. We’re going to think about all the beautiful memories with loved ones. We’re going to wonder if we left the world a better place than when we found it.  

Today I encourage you to look at the world around you. Pay attention to the nature of our spending and take a good look at the people who are living a lifestyle based on extrinsic values. 

A fun activity to start cultivating a more minimalist mindset is by going through your closet and donating all the clothes you haven’t worn in over a year. Give them to people in need. Small steps in the right direction can create new paths. 

Thank you for tuning into today’s episode. If you enjoyed it please rate the episode on apple podcast, spotify or wherever you listen, your feedback means the world to me. 

Before I go, I’m excited to answer a listener question from the “Tori Dealing with” Facebook group. 

Natasha asked “When you and Jordan split, how did you find the strength to survive that relationship? How did you find the clarity to thrive?

The simple answer is time. Because it really does. But the more in depth answer is allowing myself to grieve. Give grace to myself when I am acting out of emotion, like rebounding. Taking responsibility for my actions and surrounding myself with people who helped me heal. My life coach stepped up in a big way during that time because I needed someone who wasn’t a friend to process everything with. I highly recommend seeking help from someone if you have the resources to do so. If not, fill up your media with audiobooks and podcasts that will help you shift your mindset. I always enjoy hearing someone give advice to me because it sounds like I’m listening to a friend, which feels good. But this is a very big question so I’ll be sure to do an entire episode on it this season.

Every week that I don’t have a guest on the podcast I’ll have a listener question segment so please submit questions via facebook page. The link will be in the show notes.

And as always, I will leave you with a song! This week will be “ All Related” by Nessi Gomez. It’s a gentle reminder of how connected you are to everything in nature, that’s why we must protect our home. 

Thank you again for listening, check out the song, and no matter what happens today remember how special it is to be alive.   


Hey Friends. Thanks for tuning into Season 2 “Tori Dealing with” where each episode is short, sweet and the perfect thing to enjoy in the morning. Just like your coffee hahahahaha i’m back. 

First and foremost, I’m so excited to be back. I’ve read all of your messages over the course of the break that I’ve taken from TDW and every single one of them melted my heart.  A lot in my life has changed since I put out my last episode on April 23rd of 2021.  I needed a lot of time to process, heal, and come to terms with existing. So thank you for waiting for me and I’m sorry that it took so long.

I was a little nervous when picking out the topic for the first episode because it’s a big deal, I haven’t spoken to you guys from my heart in over a year and a half. And over the course of my absence I’ve had people reach out and ask a lot of questions about how to deal with breakups, questions about mental health, and a lot of questions about how to find confidence.

So with that being said, I really want to use this episode as a cannonball into healing and set the tone for what’s to come with this season of Tori dealing with.

Looking back on the last 29 years of my life it just feels so crazy to think that I’ve put so much pressure on myself to be great. We all do. It’s  as if we don’t have to grow into that greatness. Its as if we expect ourselves to be born with the flower, instead of the seed. Before we go forward I want to take you back in time before I was who I am today, to when I was only a seed of a soul.

As humans we aren’t born with a step by step Manuel on how to be the perfect person. We’re not programmed robots with a precise mission or path. We’re sort of just smart baby animals that depend on their parents from birth and hopefully up to the later years of adolescence. 

So that means while we’re growing into ourselves we’re learning everything from our surroundings. We don’t only absorb all of the positive traits that our guardians passed on, we’ve taken in the negative traits too. And that’s just from our parents or guardians. We also have to credit society itself. … all of the pressure to be successful, rich, popular and perfect. And that’s a lot of pressure. 

Once you hit a certain age, for me it was about 27, you’ll realize that you’re living in a cycle of patterns and behaviors that you’ve either learned from your upbringing or created to survive it. 

you’ll realize that you’re living in a cycle of patterns and behaviors that you’ve either learned from your upbringing or created to survive it. 

I’m going to say that one more time, Once you hit a certain age you’ll realize that you’re living in a cycle of patterns and behaviors that you’ve either learned from your upbringing or created to survive it. 

I’m a visual learner and unfortunately can’t draw a picture through this podcast , so I want to break it down for you with an example. For me the most obvious thing I learned to crave as a kid was attention. I’ve talked about it before,  my parents went through a chaotic divorce when I was 10, so growing up I felt as if I had to  fight to get the attention that I wanted. I learned that if I was funny and made people laugh they would pay attention to me. I learned that if I was easy going and people pleasing I would receive praise aka attention. These behaviors of being humorous, and being easy going, were actually part of my personality, but I learned how to use them in order to get what I wanted, which was attention.  The issue with this unfolds in the later years of my life when those tactics  evolved into being codependent in relationships and experiencing deep feelings of loneliness. 

Even after being on reality tv and gaining all of my incredible followers I still had a hole in my heart that I carried around with me. That hole led me through a journey where I spent my energy trying to fix toxic relationships, dating the wrong guys, and ultimately neglecting myself.

Here’s short story:

When I was 24 years old I dated a guy who lived in North Carolina but he was moving to San diego. Even though we were only dating for 3 months and I was living in New York at the time, For some reason I decided to leave New York for a few weeks to help him move and settle him into his new place. He had to work during the day, so while he did i took his car to ikea, spent around $800 of my hard earned money on  furniture for his apartment, took it home and assembled it..   When he came home from work, he was shocked that I did all that work and said “why are you so good to me?” and In my mind I was like, “Yeah” why am I so good to you. I liked him, but not that much. Assembling furniture is a bitch. And inevitably that relationship ended within a month anyway.

That was only one of the moments in my past where I decided to abandon my life to help someone else live theirs. Looking back, I can understand why I did that. My need for attention took over.  I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel appreciated and acknowledged. But, even after I did that I felt terrible. Because I knew in my heart it was ridiculous. 

This pattern of mine continued from one boyfriend to the next. As many of you know, I’ve had my fair share of boyfriends. My friends and family  would call me out on it every once in a while too. They would say…“You need to be single” or

You need to be alone

But the idea of being alone felt so uncomfortable. Even the word “alone” would bring me back to when I was 12 or 13 years old sitting in my bedroom at my dad’s house crying myself to sleep because I needed someone to talk to. That’s probably why when I was 13 years old I started dating my first boyfriend and I would fall asleep on the phone with him. And it wasn’t a cell phone, it was a house phone lol! I was desperate for emotional support. Those years left such a lasting impression on my life. They lead to so many mistakes, heart aches, and pain, but eventually they lead me back to me and where I am today.

I’m 29 years old, turning 30 in march. Living with my best friend and cat in Miami and SINGLE. I fall asleep with feelings of peace instead of sadness. I wake up with inspiration instead of regret. I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I see the path that I’m walking on now. I don’t need anyone to make me feel complete because I already have everything that I need existing inside of me. I now see the magic in what it means to be alive. I see myself as a sacred person who is connected to all living things around me, and I love myself. I love myself. And I’m hoping you decided to tune into this episode so that you could feed off of this love and take some for yourself too. 

I’m a virgo moon and virgo rising, so if you know anything about star signs, you know virgos love to make lists. So I’m going to list out for you what I believe was the path to where I am today and how to ignite a healing mindset. 

How to Ignite a Healing Mindset 

  1. Awareness . Like I said before, once you hit that age where you recognize you’re not happy, you can change it. This awareness is where the healing began for me, although sometimes I strayed from the path. For example, was aware at that moment that I spent my energy and money building someone else’s apartment. Even though I ignored that little voice, it spoke. That voice will continue to speak to you and when you are at rock bottom and may that voice be a reminder that you are not alone. That voice, that inner awareness is your higher self. 

I met my higher self when I went to do ayahuasca. For those of you who aren’t familiar with plant medicine, it’s used by indigenous cultures primarily in South America. These rituals have been taking place for thousands of years and are led by shamans. I went to Ecuador right after the filming of The Challenge “Ride or Dies” season and spent time with the incredible indigenous people called the Sapara. I’m not going to go into too many details about that experience right now because it deserves an entire episode by itself, but I will share a bit. At one point in my 7 hour trance I felt my body get picked up and fly right beneath the clouds. I felt like I was in a dream that was turning into a nightmare. In this state of weightlessness I was afraid I was going to be dropped from the sky and crash into the ground. But even though I was anxious, my inner voice felt very sober and my mind was clear, so while I was in a dream-like state floating beneath the sky I asked the universe not to drop me. In fact, I begged, I said “please, I will do anything for you not to let me fall. I’ll give you my skin.” 

And I pulled my skin off my body.

I then said “I’ll give you my organs.” 

I pulled my stomach out of my core and handed it to the sky. Then I continued to pull out my heart and lungs until there was nothing left to pull. I said “I’ll give you all of me”

In that moment, I was nothing more than a floating ball of light. That’s when I understood the message or at least how I interpreted it. Me sacrificing my flesh out of fear of falling showed me how insecure I was. I then thought about people as a whole and realized we’re all insecure, we’re all scared. We give all of ourselves to others in hopes that they won’t drop us. We’re even willing to sacrifice our own bodies. But the understanding went even further. I realized that we weren’t really looking to be accepted by others, we needed more than anything to be accepted by a god figure. We’re a society that’s so afraid of what happens after death that many of us live in constant anxiety of it. We fill up our days with plans and projects and don’t think about what it really means to be alive? But deep down plenty of people wonder “Am I living the right kind of life? Would god, or the creator, or the universe accept me” And then In my vision looked up in the clouds and I saw another version of myself smiling down on me, and I felt safe. That’s when I really understood that God, and the universe, are within us, that’s why we have to accept ourselves. We need to accept all the good, bad, and everything in between because our lives aren’t mundane. The entire universe is within us. 

When you love yourself, everything blooms from that. When you hate yourself, everything stems from that. The way we feel about ourselves, that relationship is the most important. ― Meister Eckhart once said “The eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me; my eye and God’s eye are one eye, one seeing, one knowing, one love.”

No matter what religion you practice, or what your spiritual beliefs are, you can accept that if God or the universe made you, then God and the universe are within you and a part of you. 

The awakening is everything. Once you realize that your existence is magic then you can enjoy everything so much more. There’s something so sacred about going for a walk and looking at all of the beautiful trees and birds and realizing that you’re connected to them. You’re part of a bigger beautiful picture and you get the opportunity to be a human and soak it all in. Once you really come to terms with this, the rest falls into place. But that brings me to my number 2 point. Because if step 1 is being aware, then step 2 is honoring that awareness. 

  1. Honoring the Awareness 

How do we commit to being in awe of our own existence and to living a life full of light? Well it takes every part of you. 

It’s cleaning out your body with healthy foods and exercise, allowing moments of silence to connect, and being particular about the people and things you allow in your life.

Doctors and Scientists aren’t really sure where our consciousness and soul exists but many assume it’s in our brains. Our brains are mostly composed of neurons, but did you know that we have 5x the amount of neurons in the gut than in the brain. The reason I’m bringing this up is because our body is aware of everything we put inside it. What you eat either heals or hurts you. In order to walk around on this planet feeling light and good you need to start from the inside out. What will you feed your vessel? For me it’s clean vegetables, non processed foods, and as little animal products as possible. I mean to be honest I don’t eat any animal products, but when I say “Be Vegan!” It freaks people out lol! 

 Aside from your actual diet, a great tool is also practicing intentional eating, which is only eating when we’re actually hungry. Also, remember to drink enough water and take your vitamins. Both of those things are so important. And to be clear I’m not not a nutritionist so I won’t directly tell you what to put into your body, but your body will tell you if you listen closely. Take your time researching what kind of foods you want to be inviting into your internal environment, test it out, and see how your brain and body feels when you honor it. When your body is operating well, your mind can too. 

Another way to stay committed to connecting with your higher self is through meditation. A lot of people talk about meditating as it’s become pretty mainstream, but actually taking the time to do it is so important. I meditate every night before bed. Sometimes  I follow guided meditations and other times I sit in complete silence and clear my mind. When you create space and hush the thoughts, you’ll be surprised with how good it feels to just be. Just like The Dalai Lama said

We are human beings not human doings

The Dalai Lama

We always have access to the present moment. In fact we’re actually only ever in the present. We complicate it by thinking about the future or past. But it’s easy to Sit in stillness for a moment with your breath if you just focus your awareness on it.

 I invite you to try it right now.

 Breathe in, breathe out, Breathe in, breathe out. 

You’re here. You’re in this beautiful moment in the present. Acknowledge your surroundings without judgment.  Where are you? What does it look like? Smile and just exist. 

This space of awareness is always meant to be entered. I was watching a documentary the other day and they talked about our senses. We technically have 5 which are sight, hearing, smelling, taste or touch. But some people have said “well why isn’t thinking a sense?” We process our world through thoughts. Many of us over think, over worry and create fake scenarios trying to understand situations. And then in the documentary they went on to say, maybe sometimes, we just need to stop thinking and let the other senses take over. Breathe in the present and smell it. See and hear your surroundings. Feel where you are.

The society we live in doesn’t promote this kind of lifestyle. Our world is fast paced and there’s an endless stream of information being thrown at us. So while we live in this world, we personally need to balance it with finding slowness and peace in our own lives. 

Once you’ve connected with yourself in this way, this mindset will always be with you. Any obstacle can transform from being catastrophic to simply being an experience.

On this past season of The Challenge, I found myself in a very intense environment when my ex-fiance Jordan came on the show. When I felt completely overwhelmed emotionally, I would go to my bunk, breathe, and be aware of the emotions I was experiencing. I pulled myself out of my body by imagining being above it, and I watched myself in third person. Although we can’t always live above our emotions, pulling ourselves out of them for a brief time can help to de-escalate any situation. This reminds us that these emotions are temporary, while our awareness is permanent. At our core, we are just aware, you can’t dig much deeper than that, and that’s what I’ve learned from every Deepak Choprah book that I’ve read. And that awareness is sacred. 

I hope to leave you today with the understanding that when you make a home within yourself you can overcome an external situation. When you become friends with your higher self you will never be alone, and that your existence is sacred. As Rumi said “You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in a drop.”

Thank you for listening to this episode, it was a pleasure sharing my heart with whoever listened. Going forward I’m going to be answering one listener question t at the end of each episode. To send in a question you can submit it on the “Tori Dealing With” facebook page which will be linked in the show notes. I used to play a song at the end of every episode but for copyright purposes I can’t do that,  but what I will do is link a song in the show notes as well that I feel like will be a good send off for your day. Today’s song is called “Forgive” by Trevor Hall and Luka Lesson. 

Thank you again for listening, check out the song, and no matter what happens today remember how special it is to be alive. 

no matter what happens today remember how special it is to be alive. 


Today I want to talk about managing expectations.

Everyone says it, expectations are dream killers. And they’re not wrong. How often do you make plans in your mind about something and nothing goes the way you thought it would. Probably more often than not. 

A lot of people say, “Don’t have expectations for anything,” but I think that’s really unrealistic. It is important to live in the present and enjoy every moment for what it is, yes, but that would mean that we never had goals or thoughts about the future. 

When we make expectations in our minds about how something is going to turn out, ultimately that’s just a result of planning. We’re taking an active role in being the architect of our lives and we’re creating goals for ourselves. When we put energy into a goal, it’s because we want a certain outcome. So expectations can feel unavoidable if you’re making a plan for the future. 

Instead of avoiding expectations and trying not to have them, how do you minimize the pain that comes from unmet expectations? Well, it’s not easy but the answer lies in perspective. 

When I think about a big disappointment in my life, I think about my Challenge career. I’ve never actually been crowned a challenge champion. For someone as competitive, driven, and hardworking as me, it’s a very hard pill to swallow. It’s similar to someone who’s been trying and training for years to win an olympic gold medal. You have to train your butt off in the off season and pray that you get the opportunity to compete for a win. In the Challenge that’s only twice a year. You only get two chances to be a Challenge champion a year and that’s if they call you back to be on the cast.

I’ve been going on Challenges for three years now, and considering I haven’t won one, it’s very easy to feel disappointed. Especially, when I think about how many times I was SO CLOSE to achieving my goal.

In order to not be completely destroyed by those “failures,” I need to look for the silver lining in the situation.

For someone who’s not actually a champion, I’m still a really successful challenger. I still get asked back on the show. I still perform with all my heart. And I’ve still done some incredible things in my Challenge career.

For someone who’s not a winner, I’m sure as hell still building an amazing personal brand. I’m using all of the resources that I’ve been given from the Challenge to build an online platform that is consistently growing. In that area, I’m incredibly successful. Sitting in my room and being upset that I’m not a Challenge champ isn’t paying any respect to all of the amazing things that I am. It’s robbing me of my happiness.

Look at yourself as a pillar of experiences that have made you grow taller and more powerful with every lesson.

That’s the mindset that I encourage you to adopt. Instead of looking at yourself as a flop, look at yourself as a pillar of experiences that have made you grow taller and more powerful with every lesson. The key is your perspective. 

Another important thing to recognize is that your plans have a 99.999999 percent chance of going a different way than what you expected. So instead of expecting a perfectly scheduled out life, expect the unexpected. 

Just think about your average day. I am always totally baffled by how a simple and mundane day can be so different than the one before it and after it. Some days you wake up and you feel on top of the world, then by 12 o‘clock you realize that your cat ran out of food and now you have to move your 1 o’clock appointment because something small changed up your plans. So, now for the rest of the day you’re experiencing negative self-talk because you’re so down on yourself for overlooking something as simple as the cat food.

Or on the other hand, you can have a day that starts off terrible. You can sleep past your alarm, wake up to five missed phone calls, and feel completely rushed. But then that same day you can also get a stimulus check in the mail and now you have an extra couple hundred bucks in your pocket. Just like your day can change for the worse, it can also change for the better. 

Our life is like one big story, and each individual day is a page. Sometimes the page is going to start out rough, and other times it’s going to start out amazing.

Our life is like one big story, and each individual day is a page. Sometimes the page is going to start out rough, and other times it’s going to start out amazing. If our expectations change from being concrete plans, to a more fluid and receptive mindset, then we’re setting ourselves up for happiness. 

Expectations are important, they push us to greatness, so learning how to recover from disappointments is what matter. 

So how do we deal with disappointments:

  1. Let them go. Accept them, acknowledge them and feel them, but then let them go. Imagine you were running for homecoming queen for high school and you lost, and you still carried that pain with you today? When you carry the burden of unmet expectations in your life, you don’t leave room to carry the potential for new opportunities. 
  2. Don’t beat yourself up. Guess what kid, you tried. You gave something your all, and you should be fucking proud of that. Do you know how many people live in fear of failing so they never try. Imagine living under a rock of fear your entire life. To step out from that rock, climb up a hill, and jump off with a goal to fly is brave. Because you risk the chance of falling, but you know what you also give yourself the opportunity to fly. You should never shame yourself for trying. We should encourage it and keep pushing forward. Losing at something doesn’t mean you’re a loser, It means you gave it a shot. SO KEEP TRYING.
  3. Remember that everyone experiences them. There is not one person on this planet who has created an expectation for themselves and hasn’t failed at least once. You’re not alone. If there was a human who achieved every goal they had ever thought of, guess what, their life would be boring. When you work for something and fail, and work harder, and finally get it, it’s rewarding. So remember that you’re not alone. We’re all constantly trying and failing and winning at different time.

For anyone out there that feels like they’ve had years of unmet expectations and feels like their whole life is a disappointment then I hope you hear me when I say,

It’s never too late to do something amazing with your life.

My mom went her whole life feeling like she wasn’t smart enough and when she was 40 years old she decided to apply for med school. And guess what, now she’s a PA. She was a secretary in a medical facility and realized at 40 years old she could do more. She didn’t throw in the towel and call it quits, she tried again. And guess what, you can too. No matter what age you are, what circumstance you’re in, what’s holding you back, you can imagine a life for yourself that makes you truly happy. You can think of it. And if you can think of it, then you can build it. 

Today, I’m going to leave you with a question. If you didn’t live in fear of failed expectations, what would your life look like? Would you have a different career? Would you live in a different place? What would it look like.

Imagine the life you could have if you weren’t afraid.


Over the past year and a half I have been very vocal about not smoking weed and have gotten a lot of questions like “Tori why did you stop” or “How did you stop” and I want to take you on a journey through my personal experience with the flower. Also, It’s been brought to my attention that using the term “Marajuana” to describe cannabis is actually racist. In the past it was used to discriminate against POC so I’ve done some research and I’m going to share my findings with you later in this post.

The first time I ever smoked weed…

But first, I want to start by telling you about the first time that I ever smoked weed. I won’t divulge my exact age because I know my mom listens to my podcast and I don’t want her to be pissed, so let’s just say I was in school. I remember being over at one of  my friends’ houses one weekend after a long, stressful, school week. This friend was throwing a party at her house and I think there might have been a bottle of hypnotic there. Those types of drinks were the only things we could get our hands on at the time. So I’m at the party and there’s like eight of us all sharing one bottle of 15% liquor and one of our friends pulls out a little bag. It was a tiny little dime sized, crusty, dried-out bud of weed in a button bag. Me, being the fearless challenger I am, was like, “Hell yeah I’m gonna take a hit! I love Bob Marley!” So I did.

About 10 minutes go by and I’m like asking myself “Do I feel anything” and sure enough the moment you say that to yourself, you start feeling it. I could not stop laughing. Everything was hysterical! Our friends were busting out laughing. I swore the dog was laughing. The trees were happy. It was lovely.

All of the sudden I got this terrible “cotton mouth” and if you havent smoked weed before it just basically feels like your mouth turns from a rainforest into a desert. So, I decided to get up and walk to the kitchen and grab a drink. As I’m walking over to the refrigerator I’m laughing at everything, the toaster is funny, the trash is hysterical, I mean I felt like I was on a safari walking through the kitchen. I put my hand on the refrigerator and am about to fill up my cup, when I realize I don’t have one. Sure enough I laugh, and just as I’m about to walk over to the glass cabinet I realize something is terribly wrong. I can’t figure out how to walk. I don’t know what actually happened but something in that moment made me overthink walking so much that I thought my foot stopped working.

Immediately I felt a rush of anxiety. I was like, “Holy shit, I smoked weed, just a tiny little hit, and now I can’t walk.” And now all of the irrational thoughts start to bubble to the surface “What if I smoked a horse tranquilizer? What if I’m paralyzed for life?” I mean the list went on.

Not knowing what to do I gripped the refrigerator for dear life to alleviate some of the pressure off my foot. I probably look like the rock climber from free solo. I mean I was hanging on to the fridge for dear life. I don’t actually know how long I was holding on for but I can tell you it felt like ages. I just hung there, from the fridge, trying to keep weight off my feet, while still needing a drink really bad. I wish I could have had the vantage point of my friend who walked in for a water after me, because all of the sudden I just heard someone burst out laughing. Sure enough they helped me realize that my foot worked and that I was just hanging on to the refrigerator for absolutely no reason. I tried to laugh it off too but it’s safe to say that I didn’t smoke weed for a little while after that. I truly was afraid. 

When I moved to LA…

All through college, and even after, I smoked weed and when I moved to LA I really smoked. I smoked in the morning, while I was creating, and before bed. I mean I was high all the time. It was mostly because I was around Jordan and not to throw him under the bus but he totally mellows out when he smokes a little bit, so every time he has a joint I just take a little hit.

I’m already a really mellow person, so smoking weed that much actually had the opposite effect on me. It just triggered terribly anxiety in me. It was like I was in a vicious cycle of waking up, being clear minded with a list of things that I wanted to do, and then I would smoke weed, and just stress my entire to do list. I know some people feel so productive when they smoke, but for me the only thing I produced when I got high was anxiety.

Breaking up with cannabis…

There is definitely a stigma around weed that it cures anxiety, and that it helps to relax you, but I am living proof that it doesn’t work for everyone that way.

I realized that it had the opposite effect on me. It made me overthink everything. And yet, I still smoked it. I couldn’t break the cycle. Until one morning I woke up and realized that I liked being fully aware. I didn’t want to fog my mind up. I didn’t want to try to float through life. I wanted to be in it. I wanted to think clearly and get a lot of work done. I wanted to be productive outside of just creating! It all just clicked and that was the day that I stopped smoking weed. I wasn’t sure how long I was going to stop for at the time but I ended going about a year and half with no weed. 

I was afraid of it. I was afraid that if I took a hit I would have an anxiety attack and I would feel out of control. It was like all of the sudden, my brave “I’m done smoking weed” attitude turned into me avoiding it like the plague. If I even smelled weed it would trigger an anxiety attack. My relationship with it was very unhealthy. 

Overcoming my fear

So I decided to dive in and do some research. Maybe if I looked up the true benefits of cannabis I’d be able to conquer my fear of it. 

After reading through WebMb I felt really reassured. There are plenty of people who smoke weed and have more anxiety. Weed may alleviate chronic pain and help some people relax, but for others the effects are truthfully different. 

So, what was I going to do about my fear? Well I wanted to face. About two weeks ago I decided it was time to smoke weed again. I consciously made sure I had everything on my to do list done. I told myself that I had Sunday afternoon all to me. I put a blanket down in my backyard and laid in the sun. I got the tiniest little bowl, and took the smallest hit of weed ever and was ready to see how I felt. 

Well I cried. I looked around my backyard and the walls around me turned into the walls of my bedroom from when I was a young girl. For some reason that hit brought me back to a place of loneliness and sadness. I remembered the pain of my parents’ divorce, I remembered the sadness that felt growing up, I sat with myself. I sat with little Tori and I cried for her. And after we were done crying we put on music and we danced around the yard. And cried some more and danced, and got thirsty and laughed on the way to the fridge thinking about the first time I ever got high. 

Beginning to heal…

I can’t tell you how long I was burying some of those sad feelings inside of me, but I can tell you they were buried very deep. I realized that day that I was walking around with anxiety from my past and carrying it with me into my future. I needed to release the pain. I needed to cry with little Tori. I needed to be by myself. 

After that experience I see weed completely differently. I didn’t abuse it, I used it in a way in which I brought healing. I wasn’t using it to cloud my mind or run from my reality. I used it to face it. It was therapy. 

Now, I still don’t smoke weed that often but when I do I make sure that I’m in a setting in which I feel totally safe at first. Do I trust the people I’m around? If I have a panic attack, is there somewhere safe for me to relax? Do I have everything done on my do list? I use it responsibly or I don’t use it at all.

Changing my perspective…

It’s so interesting growing up and hearing about how weed is a terrible drug but then watch it transform into medicine over time. 

As a kid I was always taught it was terrible but would hear it glorified in pop culture. As a country our relationship with cannabis is actually more messed up than my personal relationship was. 

Think about the fact that some states have made it legal for the recreational use of weed and how some people are still in federal jail for either buying or selling it! It’s so hypocritical! 

In our society today we’re dealing with all of the negative ways weed was portrayed by the government and the media in the past. 

As I’ve said earlier the term “marijuana” is actually rooted in racism and I got all of my information from the media company “Now this”.

In the late 1800 the elite American class would smoke weed for pleasure. It was a delicacy that only the rich had access to. The upper class even sold it over-the-counter to treat insomnia and migraines. But once millions of Mexicans started to migrate to the US in the 1900’s the term was used by American prohibitionists to exploit racism and xenophobia. So basically, weed was being smoked in Mexico just like it was being smoked in America, but god forbid someone come into America and bring it with them it turns into a big deal. In the 1930’s Harry Anslinger, the director of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, believed that marijuana influenced only black and brown people into being violent and committing murders. We all know that that’s absurd because all I want to do when I smoke is either eat a box of poptarts or cry. But, Anslinger launched a vicious propaganda campaign and associated it with the minority. Anslinger then did a whole tour around the country to convince people that this drug invaded the US and scare people. He finally convinced congress to pass the Marijuana Tax Act in 1937 which made marijuana illegal on a federal level.

Today cannabis has definitely been more normalized but there are still people out there today trying to demonize the plant, such as Jeff Sessions and Steve Alford. So, if you don’t smoke weed no big deal, but if you’re referring to the plant, let’s call it by a name that wasn’t used in a racially charged propaganda campaign. 

The biggest lesson I can share about using any mind or body altering substance is to use it responsibly.

Yes, I smoke weed now if I want to but i definitely don’t abuse it. Also, it’s so interesting because as I’ve reintroduced weed into my life I’ve simultaneously kicked alcohol out. I’m currently on a sober summer mission and I’m not drinking at all. But, that’s a whole different story and could basically be an entirely different post. To sum it up, if you feel like the substance is controlling you as opposed to you controlling it you should probably take a break. 


This post is from the 37th episode of my podcast and if you’re die hard then you know that 37 is my favorite number. When people ask me why it’s my favorite, my response is always “It’s the universe’s way of communicating with me.” I’ve made a personal sign with the universe and it uses that number to talk to me at the most random times. 37 simply represents my connection with a higher power.

So I thought it was going to be really difficult picking a topic for the 37th episode because that number means so much to me. But, since it’s falling on the week of my elimination it made it very easy for me to decide that this week I’ll be talking about vulnerability.

To me vulnerability means that you’re an open book. You walk around life, living it, loving it, being in it without fear of others’ judgments. There’s probably not a single person in the world who is 100% vulnerable. If that person did exist, I guarantee they would be the most influential person known. 

There is something so inspiring about someone who walks fearlessly in life.

There are people out there who are just themselves through and through and embrace every inch of their uniqueness. Those people inspire me. Because let’s be real, it’s so hard to put yourself out there, because if you do, and someone doesn’t like you, that’s when you experience rejection and judgment.  

Rejection is painful. No matter how big or small the rejection is, it still takes so much courage to accept that there are people out in the world that won’t like you. I’ve been on reality tv for four years and I’m just now getting used to that feeling. Four years of interviews, clips, relationships, competitions, little wins, and big losses. My entire life is practically a reality show. People know about my relationships, my break ups, my scandals, my cat, my headboard, and other specific details about my life. After four years, you’d think I’d be a pro at handling public opinions, but I promise you I’m far from that. Criticism is painful, especially when it’s regarding you as a person and your character. 

Sometimes I wake up and I literally think, “Fuck this, judge me world. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!” And other times, I become extremely reclusive. I hibernate in my room and binge Netflix and won’t even answer my phone for my sister. Vulnerability is so hard. 

But if you find the strength to achieve it it has so many benefits. When you allow yourself to open up and expose your decisions and emotions to people, you show people that you’re willing to look soft.

Being soft or feeling lesser than or imperfect is so difficult in the world that we live in today. EVERYTHING HAS TO OPERATE SMOOTHLY. If the train is late we blame the system, if a singer’s voice isn’t auto-tuned to the perfect note we are unsatisfied, and God forbid our bodies aren’t chiseled like a statue then what right do we have in being comfortable in it?

But, when someone is vulnerable and they show us that happiness can exist in a world of imperfection, we are in complete awe. How fucking inspiring. One woman alone who stands out to me is Sarah Nicole aka the Birds Papaya on Instagram. She owns every ounce of her being and puts it all out there for the world to see. She fearlessly takes on the criticism of others, embraces herself, acknowledges her truth, and consistently shows up. 

I want to be like her. Sometimes I have moments where I feel like here. I’ll post a picture of myself just as is, no filter, no edits, just me. And when I do that I feel strong, because I’ll get feedback from people who uplift that within me, and hold onto those comments with everything in me. 

In order to be vulnerable, we have to be willing to take the risk that others are going to accept us the way that we are.

I can tell you from personal experience, I have become so much more comfortable and confident in my vulnerability because of you guys. I’m sure if you’re reading this then you’re probably not a troll, this blog is too uplifting for those kinds of people. So if you’re reading, you’re probably a supporter. Someone who is interested in my way of life and encourages me to just be. You are the reason I am able to put myself out there when I do. 

I get messages from people constantly saying that they relate to either a podcast or a post, or my break up, and in that moment I realized that I’ve formed a connection. We’ve formed a connection. You let me be vulnerable. 

Vulnerability is one of the best ways to become closer to one another on this loop around the sun. 

It’s honestly crazy how little grace we show to  one another in our society. We all have completely different stories. We were born in different places, by different people, with different cultures and yet we expect one another to be completely perfect. 

We’re setting ourselves up for failure with that mentality. We’re inhibiting growth when we think with that mindset. We love throwing tomatoes from the crowd but have a difficult time showing compassion to one another when we make mistakes and rarely let people grow. Vulnerable people are so inspiring because of how hard it is to live a life without fear of what people think. 

One of the main benefits of being vulnerable is that it will increase your self worth. When someone has the ability to admit they’ve made a mistake and they own it, they are able to see themselves as they truly are and that’s when real growth happens. You were not born in this world a perfectly functioning adult, you make mistakes over the years and you learn priceless lessons from every single one! If someone were to make a mistake, and not admit to it, and act proud, then they would never grow. And in my opinion, growth is the only real purpose for us being here.

Also, when one person lowers their guard and shows their vulnerable side, they prove to others that it’s okay to make mistakes too. When we are fully ourselves, we show others to be themselves too.

Authenticity inspires authenticity.

So, if you want to be around people who are truly themselves then you have to be truly yourself. 

Vulnerability is also a huge component in inspiring compassion. When someone shows us their vulnerable side and they open up, it pulls on our heart strings. We develop compassion for that person by feeling their pain and putting ourselves in their shoes! Like i said early, we all have completely different stories, therefore we all have completely different reasons why we do things. When we listen to someone’s story, and their confessions as to why they feel a certain way or did something, we feel for them. Compassion is one of the most amazing traits a person can have. 

And last, people can sense when someone is being honest or not. Have you ever heard someone be called “Fake”. People know when other people aren’t being honest for the most part. So instead of just being accountable and owning your shit, you then become a person who comes off as dishonest. Would you rather be disliked for being the real you, or for being fake?

I think for me, that’s the most important thing that I’ve learned when it comes to vulnerability. Once you accept that there are people out there that are going to dislike you either way then it makes it easier to just want to be yourself.  

Also, when you’re yourself and people actually do like you, then it’s so rewarding! Because when you know for sure that the people who are in your life see you and hear you and believe in you as a person. That builds confidence.

Becoming more vulnerable and finding out who you truly are is the experience of a lifetime. We should all be focusing on self discovery in this lifetime. I’ve recently watched the movie SOUL on Disney+ and it really made me reflect on how much fun it is to find our spark in life! What we’re interested in as individuals is what makes us special.

So let’s proclaim ourselves! I’ll start and you can comment yours below:

I’m Tori! I’m 27 years old, I love learning about outer space, cats are my favorite animals, I love to travel, I love competing and making my body stronger, and I’m so grateful so be alive I’ve made countless mistakes, I’m going to make plenty more, but I promise to always reflect, grow, and be myself. I am committed to being the real me.  

Proclaim yourself. Who are you! If you feel so inspired and want to type up your proclamation and comment it below, I WOULD LOVE TO READ IT! 

Let’s praise each other for being our authentic selves! Let’s put vulnerability on a pedestal and show more grace to people who speak their truth. 

People Pleasing

Raise your hand if you’re a people pleaser. I imagine if we were all in the same room together there would be so many more hands up than you realized. It became clear to me that many people also struggle with “People Pleasing” as I do when I post about it on Instagram a few months back. When you’re a “People Pleaser’ you have the tendency of putting others emotions first, having weak boundaries in your life, and desire approval. 

I can check off every box on that list. 

I didn’t realize how much of a people pleaser I was until I started seeing my life coach in early 2020. She noticed how I valued being “Liked” over speaking my truth. She flagged me when she noticed that I had a hard time saying no to people. She heard me cry and vent when I talked about situations that I was in that made me feel really small.

So together, we revisited memories from my past and tried to pin point where that part of me came from. As I’ve mentioned in earlier episodes my parents had gotten divorced when I was a kid, and I never expressed my sadness around the divorce. Instead, I would just deflect and use my energy to make people laugh and forget about the chaos. I remember my mom saying “Tori is so easy-going” and I felt accepted when she said that. I felt like “I was a good girl” if I didn’t add to the chaos and make things worse. My mom obviously never meant for the compliment to have a negative effect on me, but that’s how I received a lot of validation as a kid. So growing up, I copied and pasted that attitude into many areas of my life. In my job I would work more days than I could handle, with guys I wouldn’t stick up for myself and I would let them walk all over me, and with friends I would constantly find myself in a position of doing work just to make someone else happy. The seed of “people pleasing” that was planted as a kid grew into a full grown tree by the time I was in college. And it wasn’t until 2020 where I put my foot down. 

Creating boundaries doesn’t mean people won’t like you, it means they have to respect you.

Through therapy I developed the courage to speak the word “no” without feeling guilty. Creating boundaries doesn’t mean people won’t like you, it means they have to respect you. The thing is, if you don’t draw a line somewhere people won’t know they’re crossing it. You’re not a bad person for saying no to anything! You have a right to decide if something serves you or not. 

There are five major areas where it’s important to set boundaries. I’ve posted these slides on my Instagram before but I think a little refresher will go a long way. So, the areas in which boundaries can be set are

  1. mental
  2. energetic
  3. physical
  4. material
  5. emotional

Mental Boundaries
Setting a mental boundary is giving yourself the space to believe your own thoughts. This is an area that, believe it or not, I struggle with. It takes a lot of facts for me to just believe something, so on a lot of issues, especially political ones, I’m typically on  the fence. But some people, are very sure of what they think, and when they express their thoughts to me, it’s easy for me to be overwhelmed by someones opinion. So, in order for me to be able to process all of the thoughts correctly I need to set a boundary. Instead of just agreeing with someone’s arguments I had to learn to say “I see your point-of-view, but I need more time to think about it,” or if I’m sure that I don’t agree with them then I say “I hear you, but those beliefs don’t align with my values.” I have to stand firm in that place. I may not know what to believe, but I know for sure that I deserve the mental space to comprehend the matter on my own time. 

Energetic Boundaries
Setting energetic boundaries are also incredibly important. This means not doing free labor or giving your spare time to someone else. In terms of free labor, you deserve to value your craft and not be taken advantage of. So stick up for your skills, the skills that you’ve put in your own energy to learn, and don’t work for free if you feel it’s not right. And with your spare time, just think about it like this. Do you really work your ass off just to have to cater to someone else’s emotions or needs? No, you don’t. So if you don’t want to help your friend move on your day off then don’t, that’s what movers are for.

Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are something I used to struggle with. Just because you’re in a relationship you don’t owe your partner sex every night. I’ve been in relationships where I’ve felt like I needed to get my partner’s approval through sex and let me just tell you, it was extremely unhealthy. Learning to respect my body was amazing. I don’t do anything unless I want to. That’s exactly how it should be. And that means if my partner doesn’t want to do anything, then I have to respect that too. Our bodies are not objects for sexual pleasure. They can be that, but they are so much more than that. My body is an amazing system that maintains a state of homeostasis and keeps me alive. It digests my food, it runs, it walks, it wakes up in the morning. So I have to respect it for all that it is and set boundaries to keep it safe. 

Material Boundaries
Just like you need to respect your body, you need to respect your possession. Having boundaries around your materials matter. You don’t owe it to your friends to let them borrow your cash, you don’t have to let your friend drive your car on the weekends if you don’t want to. You’re allowed to respect your possessions. A simple sentence like “I don’t feel comfortable lending that out, but I hope it works out for you,” will go a long way. 

Emotional Boundaries
The last place to set boundaries is around your emotions. Have you ever had that one friend that only calls you when they need you? They spill their emotions on you for hours and don’t listen to an ounce of your advice. That’s called emotional dumping and guess what? You’re not a dumpster. It feels terrible to walk away from a phone call and feel like you’re drained. So set a boundary for yourself. You’re not your friend’s therapist. Simply tell them “Hey, I’m so sorry you’re hurting, I’m not qualified to give the advice you’re looking for. I suggest talking to a professional.” And if they respond with “Well, I just need someone to vent to.” Then you say, “Well I just don’t have the capacity to deal with this right now. Please respect my space.” God I bet a weight will be lifted off your shoulders!

After going through all those areas in which boundaries can be set ask yourself, “which area’s resonated with me the most?” Do you feel like you’re being taken advantage of energetically or financially? The thing is, you don’t need to have everyone else’s approval. Take it from me, as long as you’re not hurting someone or doing something terrible than you deserve to live in the peace of your beliefs. Sure, that may mean that certain people aren’t in your life as much, but if setting a boundary means people leaving your life then guess what, they weren’t there for the right reasons. 

Being a people pleaser is something that you need to recover from.

If you tried to please everyone in the world there would still be someone who didn’t approve of you. You need to like you. Live without fear of being liked and accepted by others.

Set those boundaries and show yourself the respect that you deserve.


My personal relationship with money began where most people’s relationship with it starts, as a child. Growing up my family was able to put a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my body but money never came in excess. I’m completely grateful for all of the hard work both of my parents put into making my childhood comfortable, so I would never complain about that. But, I do understand how it can be extremely stressful trying to get by while living in a world where we idolize the wealthy. We are obsessed with money. We want nice cars, nice watches, vacations, and basically to have the same resources that the Kardashians have. But the truth is, a lot of us are living a completely different lifestyle. 

I have one memory from my childhood that really sticks out to me when it comes to money. I remember one saturday afternoon my dad bought my sister, my brother, and myself a pack of pokemon cards from the toy store. My dad told me that he only got us one pack and that we’d have to turn the cards over and randomly split the deck between all of us. We were so excited to get those cards that we didn’t even care that we had to share. We waited for him to shuffle them and pass them out face down before we turned them over and saw what cards we got. Once we flipped them over I realized that I got the lucky hand. I had the holographic 9 tails, which was a really powerful card. I remember being so excited, until I looked over to my sister and saw that she really wanted it. We were probably only 9 and 7 at the time, so those cards clearly meant the world to us. My sister really wanted the card and I idolized my big sister so much and wanted her to be happy so I gave it to her. Realizing how good it felt to be able to share something I had with someone I loved showed me early on that possessions and money really bring happiness when you can share them with others. Growing up with siblings and learning to share what we had truly taught me money’s purpose. 

Possessions and money really bring happiness when you can share them with others.

If you won the lottery today and had millions of dollars what would you do with the money? A lot of people’s first thoughts are, share it with my family, and then probably by a lambo. But in real life, without the lottery, you can’t share what you don’t have. So, learning how to manage your money so that you can survive and then still have some to share is ultimately the goal. Or at least it’s mine. 

Because I grew up in a house where money wasn’t growing on the trees i always made sure that I saved as much as possible. I heard Jay-z say something years ago and it really stuck with me, “If you can’t buy it three times, you can’t afford it.” So I took that very literally. All through high school, college, and up until now, I value putting that money in the bank. I had a pretty decent job in college working in nightlife and by the time I graduated I could have bought myself a nice purse, or new car, or pretty much whatever I wanted. But because I grew up seeing the value of sharing money and experiences I was actually never that tempted to do that. I drove a Honda civic that was passed down to me from my mom and my step dad until I practically drove it into the ground. Being materialistic and needing flashy things was never important to me. Honestly, when I see people who put themselves into debt for nice objects I honestly feel really bad. I want to just give them a hug and let them know that they don’t have to prove anything to anyone with a fancy car! The point I’m trying to make here is that understanding WHY you want money is so important! At the end of the day, What’s the driving force for why you need cash? Think about that!

Even though I don’t have a problem saving money, that doesn’t mean my relationship with money is perfect. After analyzing my past and present with my life coach it’s very clear that I have the tendency to OVER SAVE money because I deeply depend on it for security. Because I grew up in a household with little extra spending money, as a young adult and adult, I feel like I need to have a lot saved up. When my life coach asked me “Why do you need so much saved” I responded with, in case the world ends…. Ironically it was convenient to have a lot saved up during the pandemic and we laugh  about that in our sessions, but truthfully the fear I have of being broke or unable to provide for myself keeps me saving. And listen this might sound good, because of course people want a savings account, but that type of scared attitude could inhibit me from getting more!

There is an energy attached to money. One of my favorite books recommended to me from my best friend Vira is called “The Soul of Money” by Lynn Twist. Lynn Twist in an incredible human and this is the bio from her website “For more than 40 years, Lynne Twist has been a recognized global visionary committed to alleviating poverty, ending world hunger and supporting social justice and environmental sustainability. She’s worked with Mother Teresa in Calcutta to the refugee camps in Ethiopia and the threatened rainforests of the Amazon, as well as guiding the philanthropy of some of the world’s wealthiest families, Lynne’s on-the-ground work has brought her a deep understanding of people’s relationship with money.”

As you read her book, or audiobook it like I have, your mind will drastically shift. Through her I learned that there is a flow of energy attached to currency. She compares money to water. Sometimes it’s going to pour into your life, and other times it’s meant to drip. It’s your responsibility to make sure you have enough to pay your bills, but not stress saving so much to the point that you drown in it.

Let the money flow in and out of your life freely.

I want to read you a passage from her book that truly moved me. “For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is ‘I didn’t get enough sleep.’ The next one is ‘I don’t have enough time.’ Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t have enough of… Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we go to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done, that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to that reverie of lack… This internal condition of scarcity, this mind-set of scarcity, lives at the very heart of our jealousies, our greed, our prejudice, and our arguments with life.”

Sometimes I reread that passage to myself over and over again when i’m in the process of calming my mind. Why are we so obsessed with money? Whether it’s saving it, spending it, or sharing it, we still have this need for MORE. 

“Rarely in our life is money a place of genuine freedom, joy, or clarity, yet we routinely allow it to dictate the terms of our lives and often to be the single most important factor in the decisions we make about work, love, family, and friendship.” 

Lynne Twist

Today, let’s challenge ourselves to be truly grateful for what we have. Let’s take a moment and honor the money that has come into our lives. Let’s treat today as if we were fully satisfied with life. If you’re listening to this podcast, then that means you have a phone, computer or some type of electronic device to listen on. Be grateful for that object. 

Taking Your Power Back

As many of you may have noticed, a lot of the content that I post on social media these days highlight my workouts. I don’t know how exactly to explain this, but something clicked inside of me for months ago that just made me lock in. It was like someone pulled a trigger from a grenade and all of this energy just exploded out of me. I grew this insatiable desire to become stronger. Yes, I’ve always been motivated when it came to exercise, but I think a lot of that actually stemmed from fear. I was afraid that if I didn’t workout I would gain weight and size.

The world that we live in idolizes being skinny. So I was blindly following in the footsteps of what I thought would make me more accepted by society. But it’s an unhealthy attitude to have. 

After my elimination from the challenge this season, and the feelings that came from my breakup, I was just tired of losing. I was tired of feeling weak. I was tired of being tired. So I dug really deep. Like so deep into my soul and really thought about what I needed to do to get myself back. I thought back to when i was a kid. I’m so lucky that my parents put me in sports as early as they did, because as a young girl I experienced strength in soccer. I loved being on that field, tracking fast players down for the ball and using all my strength to get it back. I used the field as a place to release my feelings about life. When I played a soccer game I didn’t think about anything else but the game. Eventually, after years of playing I got accepted to a college and I played on the women’s soccer team. But that was a really interesting experience for me. This was the first time that soccer really stopped becoming an escape. 

I’m about to tell you a story that could potentially be triggering so if you’re a victim of sexual harrassment or any other sex based crime be aware.

My freshman year was fun and I really enjoyed all the girls on the team, but my sophomore year really became much more complicated. The summer of 2012 ended and I was about to start my fall semester. I was going by myself to pick up my jersey from the athletic complex. The athletic director took me into one of the storage rooms to give me my jersey. He handed it over to me and said “make sure it fits” and I said “okay” thinking nothing of it.  He was standing in front of the door and blocking my way out and he said, “try it on right here.” 

I just remember not really getting it. I knew something felt wrong but As an authority figure I felt like I had to listen to him. So I uncomfortably walked behind a shelf and changed, and he just stood there staring at me. I put the jersey on quickly, said it fit, and got my clothes back on and walked out of that room almost in shock. I was just trying to comprehend what just happened. 

The rest of that season I wasn’t really myself. Anytime we had a home game our uniforms were white and he would always comment on the color of my underwear that he could see through the shorts. Anytime I was around him or he watched me I just knew what he was thinking and I felt violated.

I understand why women wait a long time to speak up before they call someone out for sexual harassment because I questioned myself for a long time about it. I was afraid to make a scene, I wondered if what he was saying was really bad or did I just think it was.

Back then all i knew was, well he didn’t touch me, so is what i’m feeling valid. It all came to a head during the last few games of the season. I was the last one in the locker room and I had just gotten out of the shower and I heard the door open and shut. I turned around and he was there. I froze. From across the locker room, I stood there in my towel about 10 feet away from him and once again he was blocking the door. He said “I put some pink glitter in your locker, to match your underwear.”  In disbelief I opened the top part of my locker and sure enough there was a little vile of pink glitter. 

My mind was going a 100 miles an hour and all I could think to say was. You cant be in here, you’re going to get in trouble there are cameras. He then proceeded to remind me that hes the AD and that there are no camera’s in the locker room. I quickly reminded him that there were cameras right outside though. And theres footage of him walking in. In his eyes you could see that he was processing what I said. Thankfully that was enough to scare him and he walked out. 

I sat there in the locker room and cried, put my clothes on as fast as i could, and got the fuck out of there. I called my roommate on my walk back to my car and told her what had happened. She supported me and told me I had to say something.

At this point I felt strong enough to speak up so I went to one of my coaches. I told him the whole story and from the very first time i changed in front of him, to the underwear comments, to the glitter, to the locker room. He sat there and listened to me get it all off my chest. And when I was finally done, he responded with, “Listen, this guy has a wife and kid at home, if you talk about this to anyone you’re going to mess up family life.”

I was appalled. My fucking coach just disregarded my entire experience because he was afraid that i was going to break up his family. I was humiliated.

I cried to my roommate and she told me to keep talking about it. She went with me to our trainer in the PT office. He took me right to the board and got me a meeting with people who were high up in the college. They told me that they were going to fire him, but asked me to not make a scene about it. So I agreed. 

The last game of that season was rough. We were in semi-finals or something like that and the time that we were going up against was dominating us. Not, to mention, the girls were physical as fuck and me and this one girl were practiclly fighting on the field. She punched me in the stomach during a play and the ref never caught it but there were already like 3 goals ahead so I was so angry. After the game when we were all supposed to shake hands like good sports I flipped the girl off. The ref blew his whistle, carded me, and my coach started to freak out. He screamed at me. He said I was an embarrassment for having bad sportsmanship and went on and on about how I needed to have a better attitude. 

And I did something that was so out of character for me, I yelled at him right back. Anger poured from my body. I was so mad at this man for blaming me…again. So I screamed at him in front of the entire team and quit. That was the last time I played soccer.

I’m not telling you this story because I want you to feel bad. On the contrary I want you to realize that

Some of the most painful moments in my life have been the reason why I decided it was time to take back what was mine. My power. My energy. My voice. My strength. 

I felt obligated to the team to stay and play even when i was emotionally drained form the experience. But I finally put my foot down and quit and I felt free.

When I look back in time from where I was to where I stand today, I see waves of feeling powerful and powerless. But, there is always a pattern, every time I feel completely at rock bottom, there is a little switch that goes off in my body and it triggers my resilience. I might fall down but I refuse to let myself stay down, and that last little bit of power I have gets me back up and keeps me moving forward. 

Post recent break up and elimination loss, I’ve gained 5 pounds. And I say that with pride. Its 5 solid pounds of muscle. I’m finding my strength again and it’s on the field. It’s not on a soccer field anymore, but it’s whenever I move my body and exert force.

I feel powerful. I’m standing so firmly in myself at this point that I’m not afraid of breaking down, because I know even if I do I’m going to get up. 

As a person, especially as a woman, to grow muscle, to move your body, and to feel connected with yourself is so important. At least for me it is. You have to be strong in this world. Sure, you can also be soft and have empathy and emotions, but you need to be strong. You need to dig deep in yourself and remember all of the times that knocked you down and then re-live getting back up.

We are not victims, we are victors.

If you’ve been struggling with motivation with fitness I just want you to dig deep and find your reason. Find your fight, and when you start the fight, you’ll find your power. 

Feminine Energy

If you’re like me, then you’ve been feeling really stressed out by the world lately. There are so many horrific news stories and overwhelming topics that make it very clear that our world has a lot of healing to do. I wanted to take this post and focus on the power of feminine energy.

The misconception about feminine energy and feminine power that it’s only for females or feminists. This is far from the truth. Feminine power is derived from feminine energy and both men and women have the ability to tap into this nurturing energy. It’s universal. 

And actually, You’re probably more familiar with feminine and masculine energy than you know. If you’ve ever heard of the yin-yang symbol then you’ve already heard of these dueling forces. Feminine energy is known as the Yin and masculine energy is known as the Yang. Masculine energy is about  assertion, taking on challenges, being goal oriented, being strong and structured. This is the type of energy that actually structures our world today. We have governments, we live in a world of order, and we are in constant competition with other nations, companies, and each other. Masculine energy is absolutely necessary, but today I want to talk about the unsung hero of the energies, the feminine energy.

Feminine energy can be tapped into by anybody. It’s fluid, it’s receptive, and it’s allowing the universe to run its course. It’s nurturing and it’s necessary. This world would be absolutely hostile without the power of feminine energy. If you’re like me, you can easily relate to experiencing both masculine and feminine traits. When I think about myself on the challenge I am absolutely embodying my masculine energy. I’m way more aggressive when I’m competing. SO while i’m filming i usually feel incredibly unbalanced. I’m sure you can relate to this in your life as well. If you’re at your job and trying to finish tasks on time, or even if you’re at home and still trying to accomplish everything on your to do list. If you harness your masculine energy for too long you will easily feel overdrawn and exhausted. Because let’s be real, who wants to be completing tasks and giving all the time. 

A simple way to monitor whether you are using masculine or fleminine energy is by asking yourself am i giving or receiving right now?  Deganit Nuur simply describes it as “Giving is an action of our divine masculine, and receiving is an action of our divine feminine”

When i first read this in the “Goop Lab” article titled “Balancing your Femine and Masculine Energy” It made me wonder if masculine are the givers, because sexually, they actually “give the d” to the woman who then receives it? 

I could be wrong but, to me it makes sense. So when you start to feel like you’re giving too much of yourself  to something or someone, that means it’s time to return to your feminine energy.

How many of you can relate to overextending yourself. How many times have you been on a phone call with a friend were you helped them with their problems instead of spending time on your own? It’s so easy to over give. One of my favorite quotes is “givers need to set boundaries because takers rarely do.” And maybe you don’t mind helping your friend every once in a while but you need to put yourself first sometimes. 

When harnessing your feminine energy you cannot expect anyone else to give you the attention that you’re yearning for. You need to be the person who gives to you. Don’t expect your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse or anyone else to bring you the comfort that you need. If you’re unfamiliar with cutting out time for yourself in the day then it’s time you get started because there are consequences if you don’t.

Femine energy comes with dark traits alongside the beautiful ones. When you don’t make space for yourself to harness the divine feminine you can become insecure, passive aggressive, and manipulative. Believe it or not I’ve battled with insecurities my entire life. I might come off extremely confident now, but it really took years of internal work to get here. I used to be the girl that would go through my boyfriend’s phone or see what girls he was following on social media. I used to embody all of those toxic traits until I realized it wasn’t helping me heal. When you start to feel yourself experiencing these emotions it’s time to breathe and return to your power. You need to connect with yourself.

Here are a few ways:

  1. Slow down. You cannot receive from the universe if you are constantly moving in it. Take time to do absolutely nothing. Believe me, I know how hard this can be! I’m a go getter at heart. I love to finish tasks and feel accomplished. It makes me feel successful. But at some point you need to accept that there is only so much that you can do. I realized this the most when I was filming the Challenge. The process of filming the show is so much slower than it seems to the viewer. There is so much down time and all you can really do is overthink the game. Questions like   “What will the next challenge be?” or “Will it be a girls elimination or a guys?” Eventually you’ve thought of every question there is to ask and you just start repeating them. It’s emotionally draining. Stop, pause, and meditate. 
  2. Meditation can seem weird and uncomfortable for anyone who hasn’t tried it before but after practicing it for years it has truly become my safe place. If you’re not comfortable sitting in silence for a period of time throw on a guided meditation! It’s always helpful to listen and receive someone else’s words. Receiving is embodying your feminine energy. 
  3. Another way to hone in on your feminine energy is to stop rationalizing everything. Sometimes shitty things happen for no reason and our lives are fluid just like everything else in the world. Everything that is born eventually dies and we have to accept the cycle of life that is around us.  We have to embrace that there are beginnings that lead to ends and ends that lead beginnings. Release your control and let the world move. You’re not going to be left behind, you are moving with it. There is nothing to be scared of by relinquishing control.
  4. Yoga is all about fluidity and receptiveness. The practice is literally an incubator for harnessing the divine feminine energy. I’ve been practicing yoga for years now and I can’t even begin to express the benefits i’ve received from it. Usually in the beginning of a practice I’ll feel a little irritated because everything is moving so slow. But that’s because I usually do yoga after a long day of work and my mind and body are running on a level 10. By the time the practice is over I feel so calm and open. Listening to an instructor take you on a journey through mind and body is the ultimate form of receiving. You don’t have to overthink, over try, or out perform anyone. It’s just you and your matt. Going to a yoga studio has honestly been one of the things i’ve missed the most since the pandemic has struck. Although, i have learned that it’s just as easy to find a great class on youtube. My favorite time to do yoga is at the end of the day, on my floor in my bedroom, with candles lit and crystals surrounding me. It feels like home. 

When you set aside time for yourself to hone in on your feminine energy then you are in control of it. Like i said before, there is a dark side to feminine energy, and it comes out when you try to suppress your needs. You are allowed to be needy, but you have to give yourself the space to receive.

After you’ve spent some time with yourself it becomes easier to handle and manage the stresses of the world around you. We really do live in a society that calls us to push ourselves to achieve new levels of greatness. Masculine energy is everywhere in our external world. 

Just last week Jordan was eliminated from the Challenge. Before the elimination we saw the competitive, aggressive and goal oriented side of Jordan. He was embracing his masculine energy, as he should have been in that moment. But after his elimination Jordan let us in to the softer side of his feelings. He cried and talked about his pain of overcoming all of the challenges that life has thrown at him because he was born with a disability. In that moment Jordan was in touch with his feminine energy and it was one of his most powerful moments  he’s ever had on tv. He moved the hearts of so many people. No one made fun of him for losing, instead they praised him for his vulnerability. Femine energy is not weak, it’s in tune. It’s a softness that holds a tremendous amount of power. It’s open and it’s understanding. When Jordan opened up he won the hearts of so many people. People were able to see him and connect with him in a way in which they hadn’t before. That’s powerful. 

Masculine energy may win you competitions, titles, or money, but Feminine energy will win in areas that cannot be quantified. Feminine energy will win relationships, connections, and the hearts of so many people. We are not on this planet to race and compete against one another to see who can be the richest human or the person with more followers. We are here to connect, learn, receive, and grow. 

Your only role as a person is to be open and receptive to both energies. We have no control over what other people do with their own lives. But we can lead by example and educate one another. Embrace your masculine side and harness your feminine side. When you find the balance of both you find success.