Healing

Hey Friends. Thanks for tuning into Season 2 “Tori Dealing with” where each episode is short, sweet and the perfect thing to enjoy in the morning. Just like your coffee hahahahaha i’m back. 

First and foremost, I’m so excited to be back. I’ve read all of your messages over the course of the break that I’ve taken from TDW and every single one of them melted my heart.  A lot in my life has changed since I put out my last episode on April 23rd of 2021.  I needed a lot of time to process, heal, and come to terms with existing. So thank you for waiting for me and I’m sorry that it took so long.

I was a little nervous when picking out the topic for the first episode because it’s a big deal, I haven’t spoken to you guys from my heart in over a year and a half. And over the course of my absence I’ve had people reach out and ask a lot of questions about how to deal with breakups, questions about mental health, and a lot of questions about how to find confidence.

So with that being said, I really want to use this episode as a cannonball into healing and set the tone for what’s to come with this season of Tori dealing with.

Looking back on the last 29 years of my life it just feels so crazy to think that I’ve put so much pressure on myself to be great. We all do. It’s  as if we don’t have to grow into that greatness. Its as if we expect ourselves to be born with the flower, instead of the seed. Before we go forward I want to take you back in time before I was who I am today, to when I was only a seed of a soul.

As humans we aren’t born with a step by step Manuel on how to be the perfect person. We’re not programmed robots with a precise mission or path. We’re sort of just smart baby animals that depend on their parents from birth and hopefully up to the later years of adolescence. 

So that means while we’re growing into ourselves we’re learning everything from our surroundings. We don’t only absorb all of the positive traits that our guardians passed on, we’ve taken in the negative traits too. And that’s just from our parents or guardians. We also have to credit society itself. … all of the pressure to be successful, rich, popular and perfect. And that’s a lot of pressure. 

Once you hit a certain age, for me it was about 27, you’ll realize that you’re living in a cycle of patterns and behaviors that you’ve either learned from your upbringing or created to survive it. 

I’m going to say that one more time, Once you hit a certain age you’ll realize that you’re living in a cycle of patterns and behaviors that you’ve either learned from your upbringing or created to survive it. 

I’m a visual learner and unfortunately can’t draw a picture through this podcast , so I want to break it down for you with an example. For me the most obvious thing I learned to crave as a kid was attention. I’ve talked about it before,  my parents went through a chaotic divorce when I was 10, so growing up I felt as if I had to  fight to get the attention that I wanted. I learned that if I was funny and made people laugh they would pay attention to me. I learned that if I was easy going and people pleasing I would receive praise aka attention. These behaviors of being humorous, and being easy going, were actually part of my personality, but I learned how to use them in order to get what I wanted, which was attention.  The issue with this unfolds in the later years of my life when those tactics  evolved into being codependent in relationships and experiencing deep feelings of loneliness. 

Even after being on reality tv and gaining all of my incredible followers I still had a hole in my heart that I carried around with me. That hole led me through a journey where I spent my energy trying to fix toxic relationships, dating the wrong guys, and ultimately neglecting myself.

Here’s short story:

When I was 24 years old I dated a guy who lived in North Carolina but he was moving to San diego. Even though we were only dating for 3 months and I was living in New York at the time, For some reason I decided to leave New York for a few weeks to help him move and settle him into his new place. He had to work during the day, so while he did i took his car to ikea, spent around $800 of my hard earned money on  furniture for his apartment, took it home and assembled it..   When he came home from work, he was shocked that I did all that work and said “why are you so good to me?” and In my mind I was like, “Yeah” why am I so good to you. I liked him, but not that much. Assembling furniture is a bitch. And inevitably that relationship ended within a month anyway.

That was only one of the moments in my past where I decided to abandon my life to help someone else live theirs. Looking back, I can understand why I did that. My need for attention took over.  I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel appreciated and acknowledged. But, even after I did that I felt terrible. Because I knew in my heart it was ridiculous. 

This pattern of mine continued from one boyfriend to the next. As many of you know, I’ve had my fair share of boyfriends. My friends and family  would call me out on it every once in a while too. They would say…“You need to be single” or

But the idea of being alone felt so uncomfortable. Even the word “alone” would bring me back to when I was 12 or 13 years old sitting in my bedroom at my dad’s house crying myself to sleep because I needed someone to talk to. That’s probably why when I was 13 years old I started dating my first boyfriend and I would fall asleep on the phone with him. And it wasn’t a cell phone, it was a house phone lol! I was desperate for emotional support. Those years left such a lasting impression on my life. They lead to so many mistakes, heart aches, and pain, but eventually they lead me back to me and where I am today.

I’m 29 years old, turning 30 in march. Living with my best friend and cat in Miami and SINGLE. I fall asleep with feelings of peace instead of sadness. I wake up with inspiration instead of regret. I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I see the path that I’m walking on now. I don’t need anyone to make me feel complete because I already have everything that I need existing inside of me. I now see the magic in what it means to be alive. I see myself as a sacred person who is connected to all living things around me, and I love myself. I love myself. And I’m hoping you decided to tune into this episode so that you could feed off of this love and take some for yourself too. 

I’m a virgo moon and virgo rising, so if you know anything about star signs, you know virgos love to make lists. So I’m going to list out for you what I believe was the path to where I am today and how to ignite a healing mindset. 

How to Ignite a Healing Mindset 

1. Awareness . Like I said before, once you hit that age where you recognize you’re not happy, you can change it. This awareness is where the healing began for me, although sometimes I strayed from the path. For example, was aware at that moment that I spent my energy and money building someone else’s apartment. Even though I ignored that little voice, it spoke. That voice will continue to speak to you and when you are at rock bottom and may that voice be a reminder that you are not alone. That voice, that inner awareness is your higher self. 

I met my higher self when I went to do ayahuasca. For those of you who aren’t familiar with plant medicine, it’s used by indigenous cultures primarily in South America. These rituals have been taking place for thousands of years and are led by shamans. I went to Ecuador right after the filming of The Challenge “Ride or Dies” season and spent time with the incredible indigenous people called the Sapara. I’m not going to go into too many details about that experience right now because it deserves an entire episode by itself, but I will share a bit. At one point in my 7 hour trance I felt my body get picked up and fly right beneath the clouds. I felt like I was in a dream that was turning into a nightmare. In this state of weightlessness I was afraid I was going to be dropped from the sky and crash into the ground. But even though I was anxious, my inner voice felt very sober and my mind was clear, so while I was in a dream-like state floating beneath the sky I asked the universe not to drop me. In fact, I begged, I said “please, I will do anything for you not to let me fall. I’ll give you my skin.” 

And I pulled my skin off my body.

I then said “I’ll give you my organs.” 

I pulled my stomach out of my core and handed it to the sky. Then I continued to pull out my heart and lungs until there was nothing left to pull. I said “I’ll give you all of me”

In that moment, I was nothing more than a floating ball of light. That’s when I understood the message or at least how I interpreted it. Me sacrificing my flesh out of fear of falling showed me how insecure I was. I then thought about people as a whole and realized we’re all insecure, we’re all scared. We give all of ourselves to others in hopes that they won’t drop us. We’re even willing to sacrifice our own bodies. But the understanding went even further. I realized that we weren’t really looking to be accepted by others, we needed more than anything to be accepted by a god figure. We’re a society that’s so afraid of what happens after death that many of us live in constant anxiety of it. We fill up our days with plans and projects and don’t think about what it really means to be alive? But deep down plenty of people wonder “Am I living the right kind of life? Would god, or the creator, or the universe accept me” And then In my vision looked up in the clouds and I saw another version of myself smiling down on me, and I felt safe. That’s when I really understood that God, and the universe, are within us, that’s why we have to accept ourselves. We need to accept all the good, bad, and everything in between because our lives aren’t mundane. The entire universe is within us. 

When you love yourself, everything blooms from that. When you hate yourself, everything stems from that. The way we feel about ourselves, that relationship is the most important. ― Meister Eckhart once said “The eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me; my eye and God’s eye are one eye, one seeing, one knowing, one love.”

No matter what religion you practice, or what your spiritual beliefs are, you can accept that if God or the universe made you, then God and the universe are within you and a part of you. 

The awakening is everything. Once you realize that your existence is magic then you can enjoy everything so much more. There’s something so sacred about going for a walk and looking at all of the beautiful trees and birds and realizing that you’re connected to them. You’re part of a bigger beautiful picture and you get the opportunity to be a human and soak it all in. Once you really come to terms with this, the rest falls into place. But that brings me to my number 2 point. Because if step 1 is being aware, then step 2 is honoring that awareness. 

2. Honoring the Awareness 

How do we commit to being in awe of our own existence and to living a life full of light? Well it takes every part of you. 

It’s cleaning out your body with healthy foods and exercise, allowing moments of silence to connect, and being particular about the people and things you allow in your life.

Doctors and Scientists aren’t really sure where our consciousness and soul exists but many assume it’s in our brains. Our brains are mostly composed of neurons, but did you know that we have 5x the amount of neurons in the gut than in the brain. The reason I’m bringing this up is because our body is aware of everything we put inside it. What you eat either heals or hurts you. In order to walk around on this planet feeling light and good you need to start from the inside out. What will you feed your vessel? For me it’s clean vegetables, non processed foods, and as little animal products as possible. I mean to be honest I don’t eat any animal products, but when I say “Be Vegan!” It freaks people out lol! 

 Aside from your actual diet, a great tool is also practicing intentional eating, which is only eating when we’re actually hungry. Also, remember to drink enough water and take your vitamins. Both of those things are so important. And to be clear I’m not not a nutritionist so I won’t directly tell you what to put into your body, but your body will tell you if you listen closely. Take your time researching what kind of foods you want to be inviting into your internal environment, test it out, and see how your brain and body feels when you honor it. When your body is operating well, your mind can too. 

Another way to stay committed to connecting with your higher self is through meditation. A lot of people talk about meditating as it’s become pretty mainstream, but actually taking the time to do it is so important. I meditate every night before bed. Sometimes  I follow guided meditations and other times I sit in complete silence and clear my mind. When you create space and hush the thoughts, you’ll be surprised with how good it feels to just be. Just like The Dalai Lama said

We always have access to the present moment. In fact we’re actually only ever in the present. We complicate it by thinking about the future or past. But it’s easy to Sit in stillness for a moment with your breath if you just focus your awareness on it.

 I invite you to try it right now.

 Breathe in, breathe out, Breathe in, breathe out. 

You’re here. You’re in this beautiful moment in the present. Acknowledge your surroundings without judgment.  Where are you? What does it look like? Smile and just exist. 

This space of awareness is always meant to be entered. I was watching a documentary the other day and they talked about our senses. We technically have 5 which are sight, hearing, smelling, taste or touch. But some people have said “well why isn’t thinking a sense?” We process our world through thoughts. Many of us over think, over worry and create fake scenarios trying to understand situations. And then in the documentary they went on to say, maybe sometimes, we just need to stop thinking and let the other senses take over. Breathe in the present and smell it. See and hear your surroundings. Feel where you are.

The society we live in doesn’t promote this kind of lifestyle. Our world is fast paced and there’s an endless stream of information being thrown at us. So while we live in this world, we personally need to balance it with finding slowness and peace in our own lives. 

Once you’ve connected with yourself in this way, this mindset will always be with you. Any obstacle can transform from being catastrophic to simply being an experience.

On this past season of The Challenge, I found myself in a very intense environment when my ex-fiance Jordan came on the show. When I felt completely overwhelmed emotionally, I would go to my bunk, breathe, and be aware of the emotions I was experiencing. I pulled myself out of my body by imagining being above it, and I watched myself in third person. Although we can’t always live above our emotions, pulling ourselves out of them for a brief time can help to de-escalate any situation. This reminds us that these emotions are temporary, while our awareness is permanent. At our core, we are just aware, you can’t dig much deeper than that, and that’s what I’ve learned from every Deepak Choprah book that I’ve read. And that awareness is sacred. 

I hope to leave you today with the understanding that when you make a home within yourself you can overcome an external situation. When you become friends with your higher self you will never be alone, and that your existence is sacred. As Rumi said “You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in a drop.”

Thank you for listening to this episode, it was a pleasure sharing my heart with whoever listened. Going forward I’m going to be answering one listener question t at the end of each episode. To send in a question you can submit it on the “Tori Dealing With” facebook page which will be linked in the show notes. I used to play a song at the end of every episode but for copyright purposes I can’t do that,  but what I will do is link a song in the show notes as well that I feel like will be a good send off for your day. Today’s song is called “Forgive” by Trevor Hall and Luka Lesson. 

Thank you again for listening, check out the song, and no matter what happens today remember how special it is to be alive.